To The Childless Mothers

I know this is hard to believe, but I'm actually going to be toning down the sarcasm on this post.  I know.  Shocking.  But I feel like this topic is one that rings true for me and a lot of my friends, and deserves a posting.  After all, tomorrow is Mother's Day.

I have heard the line, "You're going to be such a great mom someday" since I was about five years old.  I am the oldest of four children, and by the time my youngest brother came along when I was 6 1/2, I had already become "mommy's little helper".  I was up and out of bed, changing his diapers, feeding him bottles, carting him around like I was all that and a bag of chips.  I even knew how the cloth diaper thing happened in our family, and could do those too.  However, my parents didn't really trust me with giant pins with their newborn baby (who could blame them), and because I was happy to help, we started using disposable diapers.  By sibling #3, I pretty much had this mothering thing down.

It was no surprise that I started babysitting early.  By 12 I was staying home alone with my own siblings.  Once I had that down, and took a babysitting class at the YMCA, I was slowly let out on my own to go play house with other people's children.  It was as natural as breathing, and I loved it.  I had no question in my mind that the perfect scenario I had worked up in my mind was going to play out.  I would get married at 26 (not too young, not too old) and start having kids by 28.  That way I could live some life before I got married, but not wait too long that I couldn't have kids.  I had it all planned out.

So, um, I'm 35 now and neither of those things have happened.  No marriage.  No babies.  I could list off the reasons.  Depending on who you talk to there could be several.  My fault, his fault, bad timing, life circumstances, he's not ready, I'm not ready, I'm too picky, I don't go out often enough, I'm too busy, I'm too sarcastic, I don't look the right way, I look like a librarian most of the time, I'm too nice, not nice enough, too loud, too "Midwestern", not experienced enough, too naive, too shy, not shy enough, clueless.  Somehow all of these reasons do little for explaining my single childlessness, but do a lot for making me feel horrible about myself.  Who wants to feel like that?

Simple enough answer, and the hardest one to take, is that the life I had picked out for myself wasn't the one I was meant to have.  And the one I still want might not be either.

(pause for silence as that sinks in a little)

That's a tough truth to sit in front of.

Women my age start to think about having children in a different way.  What about having a baby with one of my friends?  What about doing in vitro with a sperm donor?  Should I freeze my eggs?  Should I adopt as a single parent?
Especially men look at this and think we're completely nuts.  Other women, frazzled moms, look at us with envy over our wonderfully free lives, and think we're nuts.  Why would you want to go from freedom, to having babies in your late 30's??  It seems a little crazy.

I know some people want to blame our society, that we have trained women to believe that unless they are married and have children they are somehow less honorable as a woman.  I don't believe that.  I feel it from the inside.  It's so much a part of who we are and what we want.  It's so deeply a part of a woman that I can't put the right words to it.

Now granted, these are generalizations.  There are women who genuinely do not wish to have children...at all.  They have absolutely no desire.  I know a few.  They do exist, but they are not the general rule.  So I'm speaking generally of women here, when I say these things.  (Just clarifying.)

I have friends who are married, family members, and many single friends who, either married or not, for one reason or another have never been able to have children.  It is a silent kind of pain.  Seriously.  No one wants to talk about it.  If you open your mouth to others about this, you will get a list of reasons why it "just wasn't meant to be", or encouragement that "it will happen someday".  My co-worker, as she was leaving this past week, turned to two other women in my office and said, "Happy Mother's Day!", then turned to me and said, "Happy...weekend."  Cuts like a knife.  Either way these words burn like a hot fire poker straight through the heart.

In the Christian world, which is the world I live in (most of the time), it is said that "God will give you the desires of your heart".  We like to hang on that piece of verse like it's the answer to all the things we want in life and haven't gotten yet.  It's not.  All of the women I know that never had children and wanted to have them - they desired to have them.  They are women who trust God with their lives, and yet God did not give them the desires of their heart.  What happened there?

You can imagine the guilt and questioning that happens trying to figure out the answer to that question.

Every Mother's Day I get this little ache in my gut, like, "It would be nice to have one of those ugly homemade bead necklaces from my own kid, and cherish it like it was solid gold."  And then I hit the reality check button and try and put things into perspective.

I have come to believe that wishing and hoping for things you don't have cheapens the life you've already got!

Don't go thinking I'm saying to stop feeling, or that our feelings aren't valid, our grief isn't warranted, etc.  But I have lived enough life, and some really painful life, to know that there are treasures to be found in the most wounded heart.  Here are some positives, some of the silver linings to hold onto.

1.  I get to enjoy my sleep.  This might seem simple and selfish, but honestly, I really love my sleep.  I get to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed (most of the time), without being woken up several times a night to feed a baby, clean up sheets from a sick child, or worrying over a teenager that hasn't returned home yet.
2.  College fund?  No, retirement fund!
3.  Vacation time is spent on vacation, not at home with a sick child.
4.  No running around like a crazy person to dance recitals, t-ball games and swim class.
5.  I get to have nice things that don't get destroyed by children.
6.  I get to take my parent-friends out for GNO or for breakfast so they can have a break.
7.  I can babysit for my friends who have children so they can go out with their spouse and maintain the most important relationship, so they can be good for each other and their children.
8.  I get to spoil the kiddos.  This is a true joy of mine as I have best friends who have allowed me to be "auntie" to their children.  I can make and buy things for them, be the "cool aunt" and do special things for them that their parents can't.
9.  My body is not destroyed by watermelon-sized human beings taking it over and stretching it out.
10.  I get to focus on ministering to others.

I would trade all these things in a heartbeat!  They are no substitute.  I get that.  Any mom would tell you that these things mean nothing in comparison to having a child.  These assurances are not going to seal up that hole.  No way.  There is a loss there, and it is valid.  But man, that does not mean you and I can not live a full and happy life!  I might shy away from Mother's Day celebrations unless they're focused on my own mom and grandmothers, and I may end up in tears sometimes about what I don't have, but I cannot wallow.  I refuse.

Does a mother that has lost a child, look at her others and disregard them because of her grief?  No!  She grieves that loss her whole life, but she still has life to give.  She still has ones who need her.  It is the same for a woman who cannot have children.  That loss is a loss, but you still have life to give.

I look around me, at mothers who are doing this parenting thing alone, who need encouragement, assistance, relief.  I see children who need "parenting", solid role models and leaders to follow.  I can be those things!!  I can do THAT!  I am needed.  We are needed!!  And while they won't be my flesh and blood, they will be my legacy.

I constantly have to remind myself of these things whenever I feel that God has not "given me the desires of my heart", whenever I end up in a puddle of tears, crying for something I never had, to lose.  Because, while the life I wanted might not be the one I got, the life I have is a damn good one, and I refuse to waste it!

I say this to myself all the time.  In fact, I have it on a little plaque that my sister gave me.  It says, "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it."  I suppose it is applicable here too.  After you've cried the tears that need to be cried, you have to find a way to live with what you've got.  Time for some big girl panties.

Be the woman (as this is directed mostly to my own sex) God designed you to be.  Live the life He has given you.  He made us with a purpose!!  Love, passion and "mothering" will find it's way into the places of our lives that we let it into.

Stay strong ladies and know you are loved and needed!!

Drama, Drama, Drama!

In a great chick flick, “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days”, and Michelle, the overly-clingy, instantly-attached female of the group, has just driven another man away and found herself covered in a mound of tissues, and unable to function.  Her friends come to the rescue, off to help her at least show up for work, dressed decently, with hair combed and teeth brushed.  As they leave the scene the friend Jeannie sighs, “Drama, drama, drama.”

Isn’t it so true?  The single life can often be defined by that one word - drama.  What does the word actually mean?  Well, I google searched it.  The definition is “an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances”  Here are some synonyms for the word. “Excitement, thrill, sensation, disturbance, commotion, turmoil, dramatics, theatrics.”

When I was in middle school and high school, class time was half spent trying to listen, and the other half passing notes from one side of the room to the other, from this guy to that girl, to her girlfriend, asking if she liked that guy, and then back and forth the notes would go.  “Do you like me? Check yes or no.  Do you want to go out with me?  Check yes or no.”  Pass it on…  Friends going through friends to find out if the other person likes them.  Going through friends to send love letters, fighting letters, make up letters, and break up letters to their girlfriend or boyfriend, or now ex, never dealing with each other in person unless it’s in outbursts, fights, screaming matches, or make-out sessions.

Now your friend is dating your ex an hour after you broke up, so now you hate your friend.  At this point you’re friendless, dateless, and crying in the bathroom stall.  You spread rumors about each other (and usually this is the girls), just to fuel your vengeance.  The rumors…Oh, the rumors!  I saw her with him at this restaurant, like they were on a date.  But I saw him with this other girl last week.  He really gets around.  He’s such a player.  She’s making her way around this group.  She must have some real deep emotional issues to be seeing all these men.  You spread lies, working to destroy what your ex and former friend now have with each other, you involve everyone else until you break them apart too.  In hopes of what, getting them back?  No, just to make them pay.

Drama, drama, drama…

Some things never do change.  So-and-so likes so-and-so, but so-and-so’s not interested in that person, they’re interested in THAT person over there, but THAT person…and the web continues to weave.  We make alliances, pacts with our friends, “I’ve got your back girl!  You deserve better than that guy!”  “I’ve got your back, man.  Bro code.  That chick is whack.”

Drama, drama, drama…

I saw pictures of this event everyone went to.  I wasn’t invited.  I saw her and this other guy in the picture together, and I was so pissed.  Who knows what they’re up to, but they looked pretty close.  I sent that picture to my friend and we agreed it looks suspicious.  I think I’m going to say something about it.  I thought we were friends and now this.  I’m not talking to either one of them now.

Drama, drama, drama…

Anyone jaded, disgusted or annoyed yet?  Okay, great.  I have a feeling a lot of you are, because I KNOW I am!

I thought I left all this in high school, but that’s not the case.  I think it might even be worse now as a single adult.  As many people as I know who have matured greatly in the years since high school, there are 100 times more whose bodies have grown and changed, but their mentality and actions about relationships haven’t.  It’s as one of my friends said recently, “like we’re teenagers in grown-up bodies.”

Forget about bringing sexy back.  We’ve brought drama back like it’s goin’ out of style!  

Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), I find the people that complain most about the drama, and continue to talk about it and others, without offering any solution, or becoming PART of the solution, are usually creating MORE drama!  All of this drama, and for what?  Disturbance, commotion, turmoil.

I’ll bring a little Jesus moment in here, since some of you are Christians reading this.  This…THIS is not what we are meant for.  There is nothing about this that speaks of God.  Here’s a reminder about the greatest weapon we have in our arsenal…the tongue, how something so small and innocent can be so powerful and destructive.

“When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.  Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.  Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.  All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.  Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?  My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.  Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” James 3:3-18 (NIV)

The drama around us does not have to overtake us.  It is just another way to cause disruption and hurt feelings amongst each other.  The Christian should be keenly aware of the underlying cause and reason for dissension among ourselves.  We should also be aware of how to stop it.  It IS within our power!

I cannot help but think that drama is really just the outcome of gossip.  Gossip thrives on misunderstandings, jealousy and pride.  It’s so easy to be the one talking about someone else, but when the tables are turned and you’re the subject of the discussion, all it feels like is hurt and betrayal.

“It would have been funny if I had been an observer and not a participant, an idea that gave me a disconcerting insight into gossip. As I walked beside the silent Tamara, I realized that despite how entertaining certain stories were, at the bottom of every item of gossip there was someone getting hurt.”  Sherwood Smith, Court Duel

I live my life relatively drama free.  Most of the time I am completely oblivious to the drama percolating around me.  I wondered why, but have come to believe that no one comes to me with their drama because I simply don’t participate in it.  If someone tells me something, I don’t share it with others.  It’s not my place to do so.  If someone comes to me with gossip about someone else, I have actually (several times) not played into the conversation, either by changing the subject, or by putting the onus back on the one speaking to me.  The quickest way to end gossip, and ultimately the drama, is to not participate in it.  Unfortunately, that means taking the responsibility upon ourselves, and not passing the blame to others as the “creator of the drama”.

“Gossip is never fatal until it is denied. Gossip goes on about every human being alive and about all the dead that are alive enough to be remembered, and yet almost never does any harm until some defender makes a controversy. Gossip's a nasty thing, but it's sickly, and if people of good intentions will let it entirely alone, it will die, ninety-nine times out of a hundred.”  Booth Tarkington, The Magnificent Ambersons

So, what have we learned, class?

Sure, the life of a single person has a certain amount of drama attached, but does there really need to be?  Grow up, take ownership and responsibility for your own actions, and the next time you are faced with the choice to participate or increase the drama quotient, or to call it for what it is and stop it, STOP IT!

The choice is really yours!

If you or someone you know needs a “kick in the pants” on this issue, just remember we’re all still practicing.  Watch the judgements and be graceful (speaking specifically to my Christian folk).  Tend to your own backyard before stepping foot into your neighbors’!!