Dear Reader,
It's been three years since I've written on this Single Girl Soapbox blog. Maybe it's because life got away with me. Maybe it's because I found love and wasn't jaded for a while. Maybe it's because I was busy enjoying my life, and writing took the back burner. Maybe it was all of these things and more. Suffice to say, a lot has happened in the last three years.
I did find love. Surprising and unexpected, and of course it ended, as almost everything good in my life seems to. But my heart began to open in ways that it hadn't in a long time, and despite the extreme pain of having to let go of someone I loved, it was a good thing for me, because the feeling wasn't reciprocated in the way it should have been.
I have always hated dating. Like, forever. I have literally hated dating for the entire part of my life that one should be dating. Not only did I find it absolutely ridiculous and kind of like some form of prostitution (let me buy you dinner so I can have sex with you), but I was maybe a little ahead of my time in some ways, and kind of acted like a 50-year old when I was 15. I watched everyone around me...mostly because my dad wouldn't let me date until I was 18, so I didn't have anything better to do. But I was also genuinely curious...and still am.
How does it work, this thing called dating? How many social avenues should we share? When is it okay to respond to someone, reach out to them? How many times do you try before you look like that desperate girl with all the cats? It's confusing. And worse, there's not even a right answer.
Everyone has an opinion about all of the above, and more. "Oh, you shouldn't have said that. You shouldn't have posted that there. You should have said this. A little more slut. A little less librarian. Wear this. Don't wear this. Wear your hair like this. Don't wear too much makeup. Don't laugh too much. Don't get swept away. Don't kiss on the first date. Don't be afraid to kiss on the first date. Don't let him pay. Don't let him NOT pay." And on, and on, until I'm so confused I'm no longer able to be myself, my lovely flawed self. But to be honest and flawed is bad too, because as history has proven to me, guys don't like honest girls, especially at first. They want mysterious girls that pretend to want them, but don't, and then are only honest when their crazy comes out. I have no time to figure out how to pull off this scenario. I'm too honest and too genuine. These games annoy me and destroy my beliefs about humanity. I'll leave that to the young and clueless game-players.
At the end of the day, despite my love-gone-disappearing act, I'm still single. Less and less concerned with having babies, more focused on my career, and more interested in finding a person that I truly enjoy, respect and love, to actually do life with...in whatever way works best for us. Guaranteed we will be fabulous, because we already are on our own. On the chance that we collide in this lifetime and find a way to stay with each other during the whirlwind of our lives, we will be a force to be reckoned with.
And I'm sure he's out there. Somewhere. Maybe he's currently married. Maybe he's going through a divorce. Maybe he's just getting out of a really bad relationship, and trying to get his life back on track. Maybe he's finally got it all together, and is missing the one thing that will really make him happy. Maybe he got hit by a truck. It's really a crap shoot at this point, People. Honestly.
If you're reading this far down this page, you're probably an important person in my life, and you look at me, what I've been through, and who I am, and you think to yourself, "I wish she was with someone amazing, who knew how amazing she is." I still hold out hope for this as well, in this little tiny corner of my heart where hope for love lives on. But the rest of me is still the same independent, brave, surviving, sarcastic warrior that I have always been, not willing to settle for just any kind of life, with any kind of guy, who thinks I'm just the same kind of girl he dated three months ago.
A turn-off? Only to the wrong person. The right person will see this as the biggest love story in action, and I could certainly use a good love story to write home about.
Stay tuned for more single girl soapbox moments, 'cause I'm going back out on the market, People. It's a new world out there on the internets. I'm sure I'll have some fun stories to tell, and hopefully in the end, a really, really good one.
-Stepping Off...
Friday, August 25, 2017
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Saying No To White Picket Fences
I had a dream a while back. I don’t remember my dreams very often, so when I do, I count it as important. My dad gets this too. Maybe it’s hereditary. He’s an engineer and writes computer code. There are times when he gets stuck on something, so he goes to bed, and often times dreams up the answer in his sleep, wakes up, writes it down and goes back to work in the morning to finish a project. (I have yet to dream up answers to computer coding in my dreams. That part is definitely not hereditary.)
I’ve had dreams that end up coming true in real life. It’s kind of creepy, unless you are open to it, I guess. It’s not like my life is ruled by my dreams, but I find a little comforting sometimes. I’ve had times something happens and it feels like deja vu, but only because I already dreamt that exact situation, in that exact place, saying the exact thing with the exact same people. I know. It’s a little crazy. I’m not quite sure how to explain the whole thing, so I just roll with it, as with most things in my life.
Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Dream stuff.
So, I had this dream a while back. I was walking a well-worn path up the side of a mountain, on my way to the top. There was a short stone wall along the side of the path, which also happened to be the cliff wall. I was standing at this wall overlooking this huge mountain range, a beautiful golden sunset hitting me in the face, showing off its colors. I was wearing hiking boots, shorts, a white tank top and a flannel over that, and I was wearing one of those big hiking backpacks like I had been backpacking the area for a while. I was standing there alone, while other people stopped to take in the sunset, or walk past. And I was pregnant. I’m guessing by the size of my belly that I was probably 4-5 months.
This dream threw me way off. I was thinking about this dream for several days. It made me both happy and sad. Happy because I thought maybe it could come true, and sad because it seemed out of reach.
After having this dream, I did what any girl in her right mind would do. I shared it with my best friend. I vented, I cried, I listened to her wise advice, picked myself up from the puddle I just created, and tried to walk off with some idea of what to do with this dream. No luck on that one, as I’m still trying to figure it out. It might not actually mean anything, but the fact that I still remember it so vividly caused me to wonder if it did.
The older I get, the more my views have changed on raising children, marriage, and my future. When I was younger, I was more traditional. I would have been happy with a white picket fence in the ‘burbs, with my 2.5 children, my dog, and my suited up hubby with his 8-5 job, who came home for dinner, and who manned the grill for backyard BBQ’s. I might as well have been around in the 1950’s. Of course, there were also times I’ve imagined myself a pastor’s wife (that idea was short-lived), or a missionary, or some high-powered businessman, or a farmer, or an artist, or… I had no idea. It was someone. Looking back on all this nonsense one could conclude I was either crazy or just plain desperate. (Side note: This is really poor reasoning, as I later would come to realize.) Stick with me for a second.
Fast forward from this original dream, about a month and my best friend came to visit. My deeply spiritual and intuitive friend has challenged my thinking on so many occasions. I have learned, even though many times I have had to come back to her with, “I’m having a hard time accepting everything you’re saying right now”, that she ends up being right…a lot. We’ve been friends for 18 years, so we’ve built a great trust with each other.
We’re sitting by the pool talking about life and love…and men. She said to me, “You’re going to get married someday, Marci.” She said it like she knew something for certain, like she was seeing it in my future. I’ve learned to accept the fact that this dear friend of mine sees and hears things I don’t. She’s communing with a world I have barely touched in my life. She is a very spiritual person. And although it was hard for me to grasp what she was saying, I turned to her and asked her a couple of questions about it. “Okay. Am I going to have kids?” She paused, and almost cautiously said, “You will…but not the way you think.” Well, what the hell did that mean?? “Not the way I think”? It seemed a pretty straight-forward question.
She said she couldn’t tell completely because part of it depends on the other person, but whether it was something like having multiples, or doing in vitro, or adopting, or being a step-parent, she didn’t know, and she didn’t want to know, so she shut off whatever communication she was having with God and the angels and told me she wasn’t going to look any further. “Knowing that stuff sometimes Makes you do things in life instead of just going through it. I’m stopping now. You know enough already.”
I wanted to fire her as one of my best friends. What kind of advice was that?! I wanted to tell her to turn back on whatever thing she was doing, and tell me the rest! I told her she was horrible for leaving me hanging, but I was kidding. I mean, the fact that she told me all of that was pretty awesome. I didn’t feel scared about it. It wasn’t evil, or messages from Satan. I could feel God just sitting there chuckling at my dramatics, saying, “Hey now. Calm down over there. I’ve got this covered.”
And while I wanted to believe that everything she said was the best for me, I have to admit, I was a little sad. What if I wasn’t going to have my own kids, something I’ve wanted my entire life? What would that look like to let go of that dream? What would it look like to let go of some of those childhood dreams regarding that elusive male person in my life? And if she Was right about me getting married, when would that happen exactly? I could meet someone two months from now, or 20 years from now! I may have Already met him!
My mind was now spinning, forcing me to take a couple of deep breaths, bring myself back down to reality where all the “sane” people hang out, and stop myself from daydreaming so I could start thinking about what it was that I was really seeking.
This is where dream #2 comes in.
A few weeks after my friend left, I had another dream.
This one was significantly different from the first. I would call it a nightmare, only it wasn’t morbidly scary. No one died. No blood was shed. I just woke up terrified.
I was being proposed to! Super exciting moment, only I wasn’t super excited. I was panicked. Heart pounding, sweating, with the incredible urge to run…fast, and in the opposite direction. It was like that movie “Runaway Bride” with Julia Roberts, or something. Anyway, I heard myself say, “I can’t do this life. I can’t do the white picket fence, life in the ‘burbs, same thing every day life with you. That’s not what I want. Please don’t ask me to. I can’t. I can’t!” And that was the end of my dream. I literally woke up in a panic.
What. In. The. World…
So, I did what any girl would do, and went back to my best friend, in more tears than the last time. Why was I scared of this all of the sudden? Why was I panicked about marriage, and what kind of things was I believing about it? ‘Cause I know better than to know there wasn’t something going on inside me, to dream this up.
I’ve been relating to butterflies a lot lately (that’s another story), but it came up in this conversation. Come to find out, there’s a lot about butterflies that I identify with. I felt like my life is a lot like that of a butterfly, just flitting and floating from here to there, with no real pattern, and with no real destination. I just land for a while, flap my wings a bit, then I’m off to another place. It’s a random, free, beautiful, delicate, and unassuming life. Freedom was the word in this mix that was causing me issue with the marriage dream.
There was something about this dream that had me feeling like marriage was a cage to my butterfly life. It felt as if it would clip my wings, send me down grounded, unhappily caged up in my white picket fence life, with my 2.5 children, my alarm systemed, two-car garaged house, and my 8-5 working husband, around for weekend backyard BBQ’s and a monotonous lifetime of perfection.
And there it was.
These dreams still come to memory often, and I ponder them, as I continue my journey through life, self-awareness, and growth. They’ve not only helped me realize a road block in my relationships, but also helped me start working through it. How? Well, I had work to do. It was clear I had things I needed to do for myself, like working on that part of me still hanging onto the cocoon, not quite ready to take flight. What does that kind of freedom look like for me? And what about all of those crazy childhood dreams? What do I do with those?
The wiser, more mature Marci knows she won’t be happy with the life she had all planned out when she was a teenager. A long time ago, I had lists going, describing this perfect person who would complete this perfect life I had dreamed up in my head. That list is long gone now. It’s now a handful of key attributes, and that’s it. What changed? Actually, it was just me that changed. I was trying to put someone in a box, when I couldn’t even put myself in one.
I grew as a person and realized that old mentality was a marriage box - this cage of a life that was fine for the 18-year old Marci, but one the 36-year old Marci now realized she didn’t want. All the times I doubted my “backwards” thinking in not having a “type”, wasn’t because I was desperate. Not dating any man I could get my hands on wasn’t because I wasn’t interested. Not settling down to married life way sooner wasn’t because I was scared. Moving myself all around the country, never completely grounded, wasn’t because I couldn’t commit, or because I wasn’t sure of myself. Panicking over the idea of marrying my 18-year old dream life wasn’t because I was scared of marriage.
Dreaming about standing on a path overlooking a mountain range, backpacking while pregnant, with the sunset shining on my face, was the new grown-up version of my dream. It’s not a list of things I need to find, it’s a mentality of where I see myself in life. It’s not going to be normal. It might be having babies on the go while traveling the world. It might be pouring into other people’s children along the way. It might be several more years of experiences by myself before I have a travel partner. It might not. It’s not going to be settled in the way most people think of settled, ‘cause I can’t do the white picket fence thing. I’m saying no. I’m saying no to the cage of white picket fences. I realized through all of this I wasn’t actually seeking a person, or a life. What I was really seeking was adventure. A curiosity-driven life.
When I find a kindred spirit I just want to peek in on their life and be amazed by it...or maybe ask, "Can I come too?" I ask questions, and try to keep my mind open to learning new things. And if I get stumped on something, I just let it sit for a while until I make up my mind about it. I stay dramatic and exaggerate laughter and silliness, just to make it more enjoyable. I stay compassionate and loving to make it worth it.
I went from crying over not having (or losing) what I thought I wanted, to being excited about what the rest of my life was going to bring. Honestly, a life of adventure and curiosity is really what I was looking for all along. I would challenge you, if you are struggling with finding satisfaction in what those around you feel is the best life for you, to take stock in your own desires, think outside the box. Let yourself be free of the expectations from yourself and others, and try and think about what it is you're really searching for. If you're single, take marriage out as the end game, and figure out what your heart is really longing for. It might bring clarity to your life, and help your reorganize your thoughts about the future. Because the healthy you needs to feed the soul, and no other person can do that for you. If marriage is in your future, but it just hasn't happened yet, you'll be a better partner for figuring out how to feed your soul, independent of the person you're with. Don't be afraid to be a little different...as long as it's you. :)
As much as it hurts sometimes, and takes time and effort to work through, I am loving this growth process, and where I am in life. I am going to have to remind myself of all these things when doubt and fear and loneliness try and steal the joy of living an adventurous life. After all, I am just practicing over here. Still human! Still not perfect! Just growing! :)
Bring on the adventures, Life!
I’ve had dreams that end up coming true in real life. It’s kind of creepy, unless you are open to it, I guess. It’s not like my life is ruled by my dreams, but I find a little comforting sometimes. I’ve had times something happens and it feels like deja vu, but only because I already dreamt that exact situation, in that exact place, saying the exact thing with the exact same people. I know. It’s a little crazy. I’m not quite sure how to explain the whole thing, so I just roll with it, as with most things in my life.
Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Dream stuff.
So, I had this dream a while back. I was walking a well-worn path up the side of a mountain, on my way to the top. There was a short stone wall along the side of the path, which also happened to be the cliff wall. I was standing at this wall overlooking this huge mountain range, a beautiful golden sunset hitting me in the face, showing off its colors. I was wearing hiking boots, shorts, a white tank top and a flannel over that, and I was wearing one of those big hiking backpacks like I had been backpacking the area for a while. I was standing there alone, while other people stopped to take in the sunset, or walk past. And I was pregnant. I’m guessing by the size of my belly that I was probably 4-5 months.
This dream threw me way off. I was thinking about this dream for several days. It made me both happy and sad. Happy because I thought maybe it could come true, and sad because it seemed out of reach.
After having this dream, I did what any girl in her right mind would do. I shared it with my best friend. I vented, I cried, I listened to her wise advice, picked myself up from the puddle I just created, and tried to walk off with some idea of what to do with this dream. No luck on that one, as I’m still trying to figure it out. It might not actually mean anything, but the fact that I still remember it so vividly caused me to wonder if it did.
The older I get, the more my views have changed on raising children, marriage, and my future. When I was younger, I was more traditional. I would have been happy with a white picket fence in the ‘burbs, with my 2.5 children, my dog, and my suited up hubby with his 8-5 job, who came home for dinner, and who manned the grill for backyard BBQ’s. I might as well have been around in the 1950’s. Of course, there were also times I’ve imagined myself a pastor’s wife (that idea was short-lived), or a missionary, or some high-powered businessman, or a farmer, or an artist, or… I had no idea. It was someone. Looking back on all this nonsense one could conclude I was either crazy or just plain desperate. (Side note: This is really poor reasoning, as I later would come to realize.) Stick with me for a second.
We’re sitting by the pool talking about life and love…and men. She said to me, “You’re going to get married someday, Marci.” She said it like she knew something for certain, like she was seeing it in my future. I’ve learned to accept the fact that this dear friend of mine sees and hears things I don’t. She’s communing with a world I have barely touched in my life. She is a very spiritual person. And although it was hard for me to grasp what she was saying, I turned to her and asked her a couple of questions about it. “Okay. Am I going to have kids?” She paused, and almost cautiously said, “You will…but not the way you think.” Well, what the hell did that mean?? “Not the way I think”? It seemed a pretty straight-forward question.
She said she couldn’t tell completely because part of it depends on the other person, but whether it was something like having multiples, or doing in vitro, or adopting, or being a step-parent, she didn’t know, and she didn’t want to know, so she shut off whatever communication she was having with God and the angels and told me she wasn’t going to look any further. “Knowing that stuff sometimes Makes you do things in life instead of just going through it. I’m stopping now. You know enough already.”
I wanted to fire her as one of my best friends. What kind of advice was that?! I wanted to tell her to turn back on whatever thing she was doing, and tell me the rest! I told her she was horrible for leaving me hanging, but I was kidding. I mean, the fact that she told me all of that was pretty awesome. I didn’t feel scared about it. It wasn’t evil, or messages from Satan. I could feel God just sitting there chuckling at my dramatics, saying, “Hey now. Calm down over there. I’ve got this covered.”
And while I wanted to believe that everything she said was the best for me, I have to admit, I was a little sad. What if I wasn’t going to have my own kids, something I’ve wanted my entire life? What would that look like to let go of that dream? What would it look like to let go of some of those childhood dreams regarding that elusive male person in my life? And if she Was right about me getting married, when would that happen exactly? I could meet someone two months from now, or 20 years from now! I may have Already met him!
My mind was now spinning, forcing me to take a couple of deep breaths, bring myself back down to reality where all the “sane” people hang out, and stop myself from daydreaming so I could start thinking about what it was that I was really seeking.
This is where dream #2 comes in.
I was being proposed to! Super exciting moment, only I wasn’t super excited. I was panicked. Heart pounding, sweating, with the incredible urge to run…fast, and in the opposite direction. It was like that movie “Runaway Bride” with Julia Roberts, or something. Anyway, I heard myself say, “I can’t do this life. I can’t do the white picket fence, life in the ‘burbs, same thing every day life with you. That’s not what I want. Please don’t ask me to. I can’t. I can’t!” And that was the end of my dream. I literally woke up in a panic.
So, I did what any girl would do, and went back to my best friend, in more tears than the last time. Why was I scared of this all of the sudden? Why was I panicked about marriage, and what kind of things was I believing about it? ‘Cause I know better than to know there wasn’t something going on inside me, to dream this up.
I’ve been relating to butterflies a lot lately (that’s another story), but it came up in this conversation. Come to find out, there’s a lot about butterflies that I identify with. I felt like my life is a lot like that of a butterfly, just flitting and floating from here to there, with no real pattern, and with no real destination. I just land for a while, flap my wings a bit, then I’m off to another place. It’s a random, free, beautiful, delicate, and unassuming life. Freedom was the word in this mix that was causing me issue with the marriage dream.
There was something about this dream that had me feeling like marriage was a cage to my butterfly life. It felt as if it would clip my wings, send me down grounded, unhappily caged up in my white picket fence life, with my 2.5 children, my alarm systemed, two-car garaged house, and my 8-5 working husband, around for weekend backyard BBQ’s and a monotonous lifetime of perfection.
And there it was.
The wiser, more mature Marci knows she won’t be happy with the life she had all planned out when she was a teenager. A long time ago, I had lists going, describing this perfect person who would complete this perfect life I had dreamed up in my head. That list is long gone now. It’s now a handful of key attributes, and that’s it. What changed? Actually, it was just me that changed. I was trying to put someone in a box, when I couldn’t even put myself in one.
I grew as a person and realized that old mentality was a marriage box - this cage of a life that was fine for the 18-year old Marci, but one the 36-year old Marci now realized she didn’t want. All the times I doubted my “backwards” thinking in not having a “type”, wasn’t because I was desperate. Not dating any man I could get my hands on wasn’t because I wasn’t interested. Not settling down to married life way sooner wasn’t because I was scared. Moving myself all around the country, never completely grounded, wasn’t because I couldn’t commit, or because I wasn’t sure of myself. Panicking over the idea of marrying my 18-year old dream life wasn’t because I was scared of marriage.
Dreaming about standing on a path overlooking a mountain range, backpacking while pregnant, with the sunset shining on my face, was the new grown-up version of my dream. It’s not a list of things I need to find, it’s a mentality of where I see myself in life. It’s not going to be normal. It might be having babies on the go while traveling the world. It might be pouring into other people’s children along the way. It might be several more years of experiences by myself before I have a travel partner. It might not. It’s not going to be settled in the way most people think of settled, ‘cause I can’t do the white picket fence thing. I’m saying no. I’m saying no to the cage of white picket fences. I realized through all of this I wasn’t actually seeking a person, or a life. What I was really seeking was adventure. A curiosity-driven life.
When I find a kindred spirit I just want to peek in on their life and be amazed by it...or maybe ask, "Can I come too?" I ask questions, and try to keep my mind open to learning new things. And if I get stumped on something, I just let it sit for a while until I make up my mind about it. I stay dramatic and exaggerate laughter and silliness, just to make it more enjoyable. I stay compassionate and loving to make it worth it.
I went from crying over not having (or losing) what I thought I wanted, to being excited about what the rest of my life was going to bring. Honestly, a life of adventure and curiosity is really what I was looking for all along. I would challenge you, if you are struggling with finding satisfaction in what those around you feel is the best life for you, to take stock in your own desires, think outside the box. Let yourself be free of the expectations from yourself and others, and try and think about what it is you're really searching for. If you're single, take marriage out as the end game, and figure out what your heart is really longing for. It might bring clarity to your life, and help your reorganize your thoughts about the future. Because the healthy you needs to feed the soul, and no other person can do that for you. If marriage is in your future, but it just hasn't happened yet, you'll be a better partner for figuring out how to feed your soul, independent of the person you're with. Don't be afraid to be a little different...as long as it's you. :)
As much as it hurts sometimes, and takes time and effort to work through, I am loving this growth process, and where I am in life. I am going to have to remind myself of all these things when doubt and fear and loneliness try and steal the joy of living an adventurous life. After all, I am just practicing over here. Still human! Still not perfect! Just growing! :)
Bring on the adventures, Life!
Saturday, May 10, 2014
To The Childless Mothers
I know this is hard to believe, but I'm actually going to be toning down the sarcasm on this post. I know. Shocking. But I feel like this topic is one that rings true for me and a lot of my friends, and deserves a posting. After all, tomorrow is Mother's Day.
I have heard the line, "You're going to be such a great mom someday" since I was about five years old. I am the oldest of four children, and by the time my youngest brother came along when I was 6 1/2, I had already become "mommy's little helper". I was up and out of bed, changing his diapers, feeding him bottles, carting him around like I was all that and a bag of chips. I even knew how the cloth diaper thing happened in our family, and could do those too. However, my parents didn't really trust me with giant pins with their newborn baby (who could blame them), and because I was happy to help, we started using disposable diapers. By sibling #3, I pretty much had this mothering thing down.
It was no surprise that I started babysitting early. By 12 I was staying home alone with my own siblings. Once I had that down, and took a babysitting class at the YMCA, I was slowly let out on my own to go play house with other people's children. It was as natural as breathing, and I loved it. I had no question in my mind that the perfect scenario I had worked up in my mind was going to play out. I would get married at 26 (not too young, not too old) and start having kids by 28. That way I could live some life before I got married, but not wait too long that I couldn't have kids. I had it all planned out.
So, um, I'm 35 now and neither of those things have happened. No marriage. No babies. I could list off the reasons. Depending on who you talk to there could be several. My fault, his fault, bad timing, life circumstances, he's not ready, I'm not ready, I'm too picky, I don't go out often enough, I'm too busy, I'm too sarcastic, I don't look the right way, I look like a librarian most of the time, I'm too nice, not nice enough, too loud, too "Midwestern", not experienced enough, too naive, too shy, not shy enough, clueless. Somehow all of these reasons do little for explaining my single childlessness, but do a lot for making me feel horrible about myself. Who wants to feel like that?
Simple enough answer, and the hardest one to take, is that the life I had picked out for myself wasn't the one I was meant to have. And the one I still want might not be either.
(pause for silence as that sinks in a little)
That's a tough truth to sit in front of.
Women my age start to think about having children in a different way. What about having a baby with one of my friends? What about doing in vitro with a sperm donor? Should I freeze my eggs? Should I adopt as a single parent?
Especially men look at this and think we're completely nuts. Other women, frazzled moms, look at us with envy over our wonderfully free lives, and think we're nuts. Why would you want to go from freedom, to having babies in your late 30's?? It seems a little crazy.
I know some people want to blame our society, that we have trained women to believe that unless they are married and have children they are somehow less honorable as a woman. I don't believe that. I feel it from the inside. It's so much a part of who we are and what we want. It's so deeply a part of a woman that I can't put the right words to it.
Now granted, these are generalizations. There are women who genuinely do not wish to have children...at all. They have absolutely no desire. I know a few. They do exist, but they are not the general rule. So I'm speaking generally of women here, when I say these things. (Just clarifying.)
I have friends who are married, family members, and many single friends who, either married or not, for one reason or another have never been able to have children. It is a silent kind of pain. Seriously. No one wants to talk about it. If you open your mouth to others about this, you will get a list of reasons why it "just wasn't meant to be", or encouragement that "it will happen someday". My co-worker, as she was leaving this past week, turned to two other women in my office and said, "Happy Mother's Day!", then turned to me and said, "Happy...weekend." Cuts like a knife. Either way these words burn like a hot fire poker straight through the heart.
In the Christian world, which is the world I live in (most of the time), it is said that "God will give you the desires of your heart". We like to hang on that piece of verse like it's the answer to all the things we want in life and haven't gotten yet. It's not. All of the women I know that never had children and wanted to have them - they desired to have them. They are women who trust God with their lives, and yet God did not give them the desires of their heart. What happened there?
You can imagine the guilt and questioning that happens trying to figure out the answer to that question.
Every Mother's Day I get this little ache in my gut, like, "It would be nice to have one of those ugly homemade bead necklaces from my own kid, and cherish it like it was solid gold." And then I hit the reality check button and try and put things into perspective.
I have come to believe that wishing and hoping for things you don't have cheapens the life you've already got!
Don't go thinking I'm saying to stop feeling, or that our feelings aren't valid, our grief isn't warranted, etc. But I have lived enough life, and some really painful life, to know that there are treasures to be found in the most wounded heart. Here are some positives, some of the silver linings to hold onto.
1. I get to enjoy my sleep. This might seem simple and selfish, but honestly, I really love my sleep. I get to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed (most of the time), without being woken up several times a night to feed a baby, clean up sheets from a sick child, or worrying over a teenager that hasn't returned home yet.
2. College fund? No, retirement fund!
3. Vacation time is spent on vacation, not at home with a sick child.
4. No running around like a crazy person to dance recitals, t-ball games and swim class.
5. I get to have nice things that don't get destroyed by children.
6. I get to take my parent-friends out for GNO or for breakfast so they can have a break.
7. I can babysit for my friends who have children so they can go out with their spouse and maintain the most important relationship, so they can be good for each other and their children.
8. I get to spoil the kiddos. This is a true joy of mine as I have best friends who have allowed me to be "auntie" to their children. I can make and buy things for them, be the "cool aunt" and do special things for them that their parents can't.
9. My body is not destroyed by watermelon-sized human beings taking it over and stretching it out.
10. I get to focus on ministering to others.
I would trade all these things in a heartbeat! They are no substitute. I get that. Any mom would tell you that these things mean nothing in comparison to having a child. These assurances are not going to seal up that hole. No way. There is a loss there, and it is valid. But man, that does not mean you and I can not live a full and happy life! I might shy away from Mother's Day celebrations unless they're focused on my own mom and grandmothers, and I may end up in tears sometimes about what I don't have, but I cannot wallow. I refuse.
Does a mother that has lost a child, look at her others and disregard them because of her grief? No! She grieves that loss her whole life, but she still has life to give. She still has ones who need her. It is the same for a woman who cannot have children. That loss is a loss, but you still have life to give.
I look around me, at mothers who are doing this parenting thing alone, who need encouragement, assistance, relief. I see children who need "parenting", solid role models and leaders to follow. I can be those things!! I can do THAT! I am needed. We are needed!! And while they won't be my flesh and blood, they will be my legacy.
I constantly have to remind myself of these things whenever I feel that God has not "given me the desires of my heart", whenever I end up in a puddle of tears, crying for something I never had, to lose. Because, while the life I wanted might not be the one I got, the life I have is a damn good one, and I refuse to waste it!
I say this to myself all the time. In fact, I have it on a little plaque that my sister gave me. It says, "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it." I suppose it is applicable here too. After you've cried the tears that need to be cried, you have to find a way to live with what you've got. Time for some big girl panties.
Be the woman (as this is directed mostly to my own sex) God designed you to be. Live the life He has given you. He made us with a purpose!! Love, passion and "mothering" will find it's way into the places of our lives that we let it into.
Stay strong ladies and know you are loved and needed!!
I have heard the line, "You're going to be such a great mom someday" since I was about five years old. I am the oldest of four children, and by the time my youngest brother came along when I was 6 1/2, I had already become "mommy's little helper". I was up and out of bed, changing his diapers, feeding him bottles, carting him around like I was all that and a bag of chips. I even knew how the cloth diaper thing happened in our family, and could do those too. However, my parents didn't really trust me with giant pins with their newborn baby (who could blame them), and because I was happy to help, we started using disposable diapers. By sibling #3, I pretty much had this mothering thing down.
It was no surprise that I started babysitting early. By 12 I was staying home alone with my own siblings. Once I had that down, and took a babysitting class at the YMCA, I was slowly let out on my own to go play house with other people's children. It was as natural as breathing, and I loved it. I had no question in my mind that the perfect scenario I had worked up in my mind was going to play out. I would get married at 26 (not too young, not too old) and start having kids by 28. That way I could live some life before I got married, but not wait too long that I couldn't have kids. I had it all planned out.
So, um, I'm 35 now and neither of those things have happened. No marriage. No babies. I could list off the reasons. Depending on who you talk to there could be several. My fault, his fault, bad timing, life circumstances, he's not ready, I'm not ready, I'm too picky, I don't go out often enough, I'm too busy, I'm too sarcastic, I don't look the right way, I look like a librarian most of the time, I'm too nice, not nice enough, too loud, too "Midwestern", not experienced enough, too naive, too shy, not shy enough, clueless. Somehow all of these reasons do little for explaining my single childlessness, but do a lot for making me feel horrible about myself. Who wants to feel like that?
Simple enough answer, and the hardest one to take, is that the life I had picked out for myself wasn't the one I was meant to have. And the one I still want might not be either.
(pause for silence as that sinks in a little)
That's a tough truth to sit in front of.
Women my age start to think about having children in a different way. What about having a baby with one of my friends? What about doing in vitro with a sperm donor? Should I freeze my eggs? Should I adopt as a single parent?
Especially men look at this and think we're completely nuts. Other women, frazzled moms, look at us with envy over our wonderfully free lives, and think we're nuts. Why would you want to go from freedom, to having babies in your late 30's?? It seems a little crazy.
I know some people want to blame our society, that we have trained women to believe that unless they are married and have children they are somehow less honorable as a woman. I don't believe that. I feel it from the inside. It's so much a part of who we are and what we want. It's so deeply a part of a woman that I can't put the right words to it.
Now granted, these are generalizations. There are women who genuinely do not wish to have children...at all. They have absolutely no desire. I know a few. They do exist, but they are not the general rule. So I'm speaking generally of women here, when I say these things. (Just clarifying.)
I have friends who are married, family members, and many single friends who, either married or not, for one reason or another have never been able to have children. It is a silent kind of pain. Seriously. No one wants to talk about it. If you open your mouth to others about this, you will get a list of reasons why it "just wasn't meant to be", or encouragement that "it will happen someday". My co-worker, as she was leaving this past week, turned to two other women in my office and said, "Happy Mother's Day!", then turned to me and said, "Happy...weekend." Cuts like a knife. Either way these words burn like a hot fire poker straight through the heart.
In the Christian world, which is the world I live in (most of the time), it is said that "God will give you the desires of your heart". We like to hang on that piece of verse like it's the answer to all the things we want in life and haven't gotten yet. It's not. All of the women I know that never had children and wanted to have them - they desired to have them. They are women who trust God with their lives, and yet God did not give them the desires of their heart. What happened there?
You can imagine the guilt and questioning that happens trying to figure out the answer to that question.
Every Mother's Day I get this little ache in my gut, like, "It would be nice to have one of those ugly homemade bead necklaces from my own kid, and cherish it like it was solid gold." And then I hit the reality check button and try and put things into perspective.
I have come to believe that wishing and hoping for things you don't have cheapens the life you've already got!
Don't go thinking I'm saying to stop feeling, or that our feelings aren't valid, our grief isn't warranted, etc. But I have lived enough life, and some really painful life, to know that there are treasures to be found in the most wounded heart. Here are some positives, some of the silver linings to hold onto.
1. I get to enjoy my sleep. This might seem simple and selfish, but honestly, I really love my sleep. I get to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed (most of the time), without being woken up several times a night to feed a baby, clean up sheets from a sick child, or worrying over a teenager that hasn't returned home yet.
2. College fund? No, retirement fund!
3. Vacation time is spent on vacation, not at home with a sick child.
4. No running around like a crazy person to dance recitals, t-ball games and swim class.
5. I get to have nice things that don't get destroyed by children.
6. I get to take my parent-friends out for GNO or for breakfast so they can have a break.
7. I can babysit for my friends who have children so they can go out with their spouse and maintain the most important relationship, so they can be good for each other and their children.
8. I get to spoil the kiddos. This is a true joy of mine as I have best friends who have allowed me to be "auntie" to their children. I can make and buy things for them, be the "cool aunt" and do special things for them that their parents can't.
9. My body is not destroyed by watermelon-sized human beings taking it over and stretching it out.
10. I get to focus on ministering to others.
I would trade all these things in a heartbeat! They are no substitute. I get that. Any mom would tell you that these things mean nothing in comparison to having a child. These assurances are not going to seal up that hole. No way. There is a loss there, and it is valid. But man, that does not mean you and I can not live a full and happy life! I might shy away from Mother's Day celebrations unless they're focused on my own mom and grandmothers, and I may end up in tears sometimes about what I don't have, but I cannot wallow. I refuse.
Does a mother that has lost a child, look at her others and disregard them because of her grief? No! She grieves that loss her whole life, but she still has life to give. She still has ones who need her. It is the same for a woman who cannot have children. That loss is a loss, but you still have life to give.
I look around me, at mothers who are doing this parenting thing alone, who need encouragement, assistance, relief. I see children who need "parenting", solid role models and leaders to follow. I can be those things!! I can do THAT! I am needed. We are needed!! And while they won't be my flesh and blood, they will be my legacy.
I constantly have to remind myself of these things whenever I feel that God has not "given me the desires of my heart", whenever I end up in a puddle of tears, crying for something I never had, to lose. Because, while the life I wanted might not be the one I got, the life I have is a damn good one, and I refuse to waste it!
I say this to myself all the time. In fact, I have it on a little plaque that my sister gave me. It says, "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it." I suppose it is applicable here too. After you've cried the tears that need to be cried, you have to find a way to live with what you've got. Time for some big girl panties.
Be the woman (as this is directed mostly to my own sex) God designed you to be. Live the life He has given you. He made us with a purpose!! Love, passion and "mothering" will find it's way into the places of our lives that we let it into.
Stay strong ladies and know you are loved and needed!!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Drama, Drama, Drama!
In a great chick flick, “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days”, and Michelle, the overly-clingy, instantly-attached female of the group, has just driven another man away and found herself covered in a mound of tissues, and unable to function. Her friends come to the rescue, off to help her at least show up for work, dressed decently, with hair combed and teeth brushed. As they leave the scene the friend Jeannie sighs, “Drama, drama, drama.”
Isn’t it so true? The single life can often be defined by that one word - drama. What does the word actually mean? Well, I google searched it. The definition is “an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances” Here are some synonyms for the word. “Excitement, thrill, sensation, disturbance, commotion, turmoil, dramatics, theatrics.”
When I was in middle school and high school, class time was half spent trying to listen, and the other half passing notes from one side of the room to the other, from this guy to that girl, to her girlfriend, asking if she liked that guy, and then back and forth the notes would go. “Do you like me? Check yes or no. Do you want to go out with me? Check yes or no.” Pass it on… Friends going through friends to find out if the other person likes them. Going through friends to send love letters, fighting letters, make up letters, and break up letters to their girlfriend or boyfriend, or now ex, never dealing with each other in person unless it’s in outbursts, fights, screaming matches, or make-out sessions.
Now your friend is dating your ex an hour after you broke up, so now you hate your friend. At this point you’re friendless, dateless, and crying in the bathroom stall. You spread rumors about each other (and usually this is the girls), just to fuel your vengeance. The rumors…Oh, the rumors! I saw her with him at this restaurant, like they were on a date. But I saw him with this other girl last week. He really gets around. He’s such a player. She’s making her way around this group. She must have some real deep emotional issues to be seeing all these men. You spread lies, working to destroy what your ex and former friend now have with each other, you involve everyone else until you break them apart too. In hopes of what, getting them back? No, just to make them pay.
Drama, drama, drama…
Some things never do change. So-and-so likes so-and-so, but so-and-so’s not interested in that person, they’re interested in THAT person over there, but THAT person…and the web continues to weave. We make alliances, pacts with our friends, “I’ve got your back girl! You deserve better than that guy!” “I’ve got your back, man. Bro code. That chick is whack.”
Drama, drama, drama…
I saw pictures of this event everyone went to. I wasn’t invited. I saw her and this other guy in the picture together, and I was so pissed. Who knows what they’re up to, but they looked pretty close. I sent that picture to my friend and we agreed it looks suspicious. I think I’m going to say something about it. I thought we were friends and now this. I’m not talking to either one of them now.
Drama, drama, drama…
I thought I left all this in high school, but that’s not the case. I think it might even be worse now as a single adult. As many people as I know who have matured greatly in the years since high school, there are 100 times more whose bodies have grown and changed, but their mentality and actions about relationships haven’t. It’s as one of my friends said recently, “like we’re teenagers in grown-up bodies.”
Forget about bringing sexy back. We’ve brought drama back like it’s goin’ out of style!
Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), I find the people that complain most about the drama, and continue to talk about it and others, without offering any solution, or becoming PART of the solution, are usually creating MORE drama! All of this drama, and for what? Disturbance, commotion, turmoil.
I’ll bring a little Jesus moment in here, since some of you are Christians reading this. This…THIS is not what we are meant for. There is nothing about this that speaks of God. Here’s a reminder about the greatest weapon we have in our arsenal…the tongue, how something so small and innocent can be so powerful and destructive.
“When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” James 3:3-18 (NIV)
The drama around us does not have to overtake us. It is just another way to cause disruption and hurt feelings amongst each other. The Christian should be keenly aware of the underlying cause and reason for dissension among ourselves. We should also be aware of how to stop it. It IS within our power!
I cannot help but think that drama is really just the outcome of gossip. Gossip thrives on misunderstandings, jealousy and pride. It’s so easy to be the one talking about someone else, but when the tables are turned and you’re the subject of the discussion, all it feels like is hurt and betrayal.
I live my life relatively drama free. Most of the time I am completely oblivious to the drama percolating around me. I wondered why, but have come to believe that no one comes to me with their drama because I simply don’t participate in it. If someone tells me something, I don’t share it with others. It’s not my place to do so. If someone comes to me with gossip about someone else, I have actually (several times) not played into the conversation, either by changing the subject, or by putting the onus back on the one speaking to me. The quickest way to end gossip, and ultimately the drama, is to not participate in it. Unfortunately, that means taking the responsibility upon ourselves, and not passing the blame to others as the “creator of the drama”.
Anyone jaded, disgusted or annoyed yet? Okay, great. I have a feeling a lot of you are, because I KNOW I am!
“It would have been funny if I had been an observer and not a participant, an idea that gave me a disconcerting insight into gossip. As I walked beside the silent Tamara, I realized that despite how entertaining certain stories were, at the bottom of every item of gossip there was someone getting hurt.” Sherwood Smith, Court Duel
“Gossip is never fatal until it is denied. Gossip goes on about every human being alive and about all the dead that are alive enough to be remembered, and yet almost never does any harm until some defender makes a controversy. Gossip's a nasty thing, but it's sickly, and if people of good intentions will let it entirely alone, it will die, ninety-nine times out of a hundred.” Booth Tarkington, The Magnificent Ambersons
So, what have we learned, class?
Sure, the life of a single person has a certain amount of drama attached, but does there really need to be? Grow up, take ownership and responsibility for your own actions, and the next time you are faced with the choice to participate or increase the drama quotient, or to call it for what it is and stop it, STOP IT!
The choice is really yours!
If you or someone you know needs a “kick in the pants” on this issue, just remember we’re all still practicing. Watch the judgements and be graceful (speaking specifically to my Christian folk). Tend to your own backyard before stepping foot into your neighbors’!!
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Stop Saying It
Do you ever feel like everyone around you is sad for your singleness? What's up with that?!
My besties, my family, and my sweet friends that always want the best for me, continually encourage me, saying things like…
“It will happen when the time is right.” (Which means it has never been the right time, by the way.)
“You just haven’t met the right one yet.” (Or maybe he just never existed in the first place.)
“God will give you the desires of your heart.” (Really? Then how come not everyone gets what they desire in this life?)
“It always happens when you stop trying.” (So he’s going to come and find me knitting on my couch like freakin’ Sleeping Beauty in her tower??)
“Good things come to those who wait.” (Well, in that case, I should be winning the lottery, right about…now.)
“He’s out there” (How far out there? I mean, are we talking other universes here?)
“Better to never marry than to marry the wrong guy.” (Okay, this one is true.)
“Just be patient.” (Do you know me? Haha.)
“The best relationships grow from friendship.” (Or they just stay friends)
“Have you tried online dating?” (I don’t translate well online)
“You’re going to make someone so happy someday.” (Why can't I make someone happy right now??)
“You just haven’t met the right one yet.” (Or maybe he just never existed in the first place.)
“God will give you the desires of your heart.” (Really? Then how come not everyone gets what they desire in this life?)
“It always happens when you stop trying.” (So he’s going to come and find me knitting on my couch like freakin’ Sleeping Beauty in her tower??)
“Good things come to those who wait.” (Well, in that case, I should be winning the lottery, right about…now.)
“He’s out there” (How far out there? I mean, are we talking other universes here?)
“Better to never marry than to marry the wrong guy.” (Okay, this one is true.)
“Just be patient.” (Do you know me? Haha.)
“The best relationships grow from friendship.” (Or they just stay friends)
“Have you tried online dating?” (I don’t translate well online)
“You’re going to make someone so happy someday.” (Why can't I make someone happy right now??)
We need to Just. Stop. Saying. It.
I don’t mean to sound depressing, angry, or less than grateful for their encouraging optimism about ending my singleness, but really…
I had been waiting my whole life for God to send down some note from Heaven, spelling this one out for me, and it has never come. But they must have more knowledge than I, because they “know” that it’s going to happen…that someday my singleness will end.
I hate to break it to you world, fellow singles, married friends, parents and loved ones still betting on me, but you have no more clarity on this one than I do. So, we need to stop saying these things to the single people.
Here is the ugly truth about these words: They sting. They build up hope and fantasy about something that may never happen, that maybe was never meant to be. There are people in this world that will never get married, never have children. That’s just the way it is. And these words make it sound like there’s a reason it hasn’t happened before now, and that’s not true either.
I used to get on board with this stuff. I was completely into it, making sure I put myself out there, not hiding behind my sewing machine, or a good book, or whatever else I actually wanted to do with my time. “No one will find you if you can’t be found”, someone said to me once. So I made myself available. Really, all this did was make me bitter, because I wasn’t really doing the things I wanted to do with my time. Ironic.
I had a relative married into the family that once asked me if I was gay, after asking me if I was seeing anyone. Since my answer was no, clearly I was a homosexual, because no straight girl in her 20’s should be without a boyfriend. God forbid. Holidays, trips home, phone calls - always the question, “So, are you seeing anyone?” “Is there anyone special in your life?” And of course the answer would always be no, and the response would always be…well, pick one from the list at the top of this blog.
They’ve almost stopped asking altogether…which might be worse, because they’ve given up on me, and in their minds I’ve given up on myself. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but because I’m not married, my life either has not not begun, or something.
I’m taking a commercial break here because I realize I’m starting to sound like the angry, bitter, single chick. I am none of these things. I used to be. I might still have my moments, but I’m honestly well down the path of being okay with the whole single thing. I just told my sister this post is starting to sound cynical. She said, "You ALWAYS sound cynical." Well, I don't know what to say there. Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm just honest.
I have given up on trying to be everyone else’s version of “okay with myself”, and feel like if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen on it’s own, and if not, my life is pretty freaking awesome, so I’m good! Those that know me know that I’m honest…and blunt. So, I’m sorry about that. I’m not really sorry about being honest or blunt, but I am sorry if it offends someone.
Do I still desire marriage and kids? Yes. Have I given up on myself, stopped caring about how I look, or caved myself into my house? No (laughing). I live a full life, and I am (generally) happy about everything I have and am doing with it. There is nothing wrong with me (or us), because we are single, or single again. It is not a sentence to be lived out until one day you are freed from it. It’s not a punishment. It’s not even a burden. It just is.
I would challenge you, if you are a single person or know a single person, and find yourself using these phrases to encourage them, that you kindly think about what you’re saying. This person in front of you is whole. They (we) are not half a person waiting around for our other half to "complete us" like some sad Jerry Maguire climactic life moment. No, we are capable, complete people. Of course we still crave meaningful relationships, because we are all meant for that. But if marriage isn’t in the picture, then there are other relationships to be had, maybe even more fulfilling ones.
Don’t feed a lie, just to give us false hope. We deserve better than that. Unless we call you balling, “I’m so tired of being single!” (I neither claim or deny that I have done this personally) Then, by all means, lie to us. Just kidding. Haha. Maybe just tell us the truth…that everything will be okay. Because it IS and it will be!
Here I am...still practicing! :)
Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!!
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9 NIV
If you're a friend, then you probably know about the book I want to write. If you're a close friend, you know what it's about. If you are just reading this you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I'll do a one paragraph recap to get everyone up to speed.
About five years ago I felt God calling me to put in writing the last 10 years of my life. What happened 10 years ago? Well, a very bad thing. Drunk driver, high-speed police chase down the highway, head-on collision, shattered pelvis and hip, 3 months in the hospital, 3 surgeries, almost 8 years of recovery, severe depression, wanted to die, had to learn to live again, lost hope, and then somewhere down the road I found it again. That's the basic gist. I wouldn't recommend going through that if I were you. Hah. (That was my dry sarcasm happening right there. Did you catch it?)
I put God off for five years. I let every excuse and circumstance in the book move his calling on my life to the back burner. For the past year this desire has just been pounding at my heart. I couldn't deny it any longer. I knew I had to start writing.
I think part of it had to do with turning 35. This was a hard birthday for me. I have absolutely no idea why. People just hit phases in life that makes them go buzzurko. They buy sports cars, get weird piercings, tattoos, dye their hair, and start dressing 20 years younger than they are. I used to scratch my head at those people, then I suddenly found myself dreading my birthday and I realized I was one of them!!
It really was ALL in my head. The expectations I had on myself, and those adopted from others, well, I hadn't met a single one of them. What the crap?! I felt like my life was flashing past me while I sat on the sidelines. I was getting older and I hadn't done what I wanted to do. Again, what the crap?!
This feeling was only compounded by the unexpected deaths of two friends late last year, which was the second thing that spurred on the writing. They were not old by anyone's standards, and slipped away from the earth so quickly. I'm sure they felt they had at least a little more time here, but no one gets a guarantee on life.
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14 NIV
I started feeling this, and that is why I finally gave in to God, and decided to start writing.
I knew that in writing this book I was going to be bringing up so many deep, dark memories from the past - things I would prefer to leave there. I expected it. I even told a trusted person in my life that I was going to need some assistance in dealing with everything. Okay cool. I had my bases covered. Right.
I might as well have opened Pandora's box, because it was pretty much the same thing.
Remember above, the drama of turning 35, the unmet expectations? Multiply these feelings by 20, then add in daydreams of people I love dying, me dying, nightmares, a constant barrage of negative feelings, words, LIES, attacks on every single one of my insecurities, fears, etc. It was all out war. He is a cunning and sly little snake, isn't he? He knows right where to get you every time.
He saw an opening, a weak spot in my armor. I was already exhausted physically, and an top of it was really starting to feel...alone. Even though I have a ton of friends. Crazy, huh? Not so crazy when you're Satan. He's really great at this stuff, and is the master of disguises and trickery of the mind. Since the mind controls the rest of your body, he'll head there quickly.
I'll list out just some of the lies that were literally flooding my mind 24/7. Perhaps you have felt some of these at some point in time.
"You're such a failure. Look at where you're at in life and where you should be. You're never going to get where you want to be.”
"Writing this book is going to hurt too much. It's not worth it.”
"Nobody believes in you.”
"No one cares about your story. No one cares about your life either. People just say they do to be nice.”
"Your friends really don't care about you.”
"If you do this, you'll never succeed. This will only put you back further.”
"Better watch out. You know what happened last time you were in this place in life.”
"You don't have what it takes to make it.”
"You're never going to finish your degree.”
"God's never going to give you the desires of your heart. That only happens in fairytales.”
"You're never going to be loved for who you are.”
"You're never going to get married or have kids. You have all these things wrong with you, that's why.”
"You're too much.”
"You're not enough.”
"Writing this book is going to hurt too much. It's not worth it.”
"Nobody believes in you.”
"No one cares about your story. No one cares about your life either. People just say they do to be nice.”
"Your friends really don't care about you.”
"If you do this, you'll never succeed. This will only put you back further.”
"Better watch out. You know what happened last time you were in this place in life.”
"You don't have what it takes to make it.”
"You're never going to finish your degree.”
"God's never going to give you the desires of your heart. That only happens in fairytales.”
"You're never going to be loved for who you are.”
"You're never going to get married or have kids. You have all these things wrong with you, that's why.”
"You're too much.”
"You're not enough.”
This is just a sampling, but probably the most used of the lies. You see, he doesn’t hit you with lies he knows you won’t believe. He gets you with the ones he knows you’ll fall for. And whatever they are, we all have them.
Topped off with the nightmares and the daydreams of people dying, all the hurts, and flashbacks from my accident and the time in life when I wanted to kill myself, I was overcome. I am not even joking. It was horrible. I would literally start crying at work...just in the middle of the day, sitting at my computer tearing up. Nothing was happening outside my body. It was all in my mind.
Thankfully, this "ain't my first rodeo" with my Enemy. He's tried this before, when I had absolutely no strength of my own to defend myself. I survived that round solely on the prayers of protection from others. And it was on those same prayers that I built my life back. Slowly but surely I became stronger. I knew exactly what this was and why.
There's nothing an enemy hates more than a strong, loud-mouthed leader with passion. They are a threat. Those people get snuffed out quick. And if they can't be taken out completely, they are killed from the inside out - beaten down so badly their will is gone. Think Hitler. Only his plan didn’t work out 100%, and neither will Satan’s.
You can see it all throughout history. You can see it all throughout the Bible. I could see the attempt on my own life. So I mustered all the strength I could and told Satan he could suck it, and God had already won the battle for my life, so he needed to go. But since we are not made to do things alone on this Earth, I called in some reinforcements. One friend started praying after I texted her about what was going on. Another friend of mine, very wise and perceptive, asked how I was doing, so I told her, and she came and prayed with me, helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings, and then blasted me with truth.
The truth always sets us free! She reminded me that I am strong, I am brave, and I have a warrior heart. Satan was hitting me hard because I was strong, I had something to say, and people listen to me (a really sobering thought). Satan has already been defeated, and my battles have already been won.
There in my living room, talking and praying, I had a vision in my mind of what was playing out in my heart.
I was walking towards a window, with a light on inside. The closer I got, I realized it was a door to the room of a house. I opened it and saw myself starring back at me. Only it wasn't me. It looked like me at first glance, but she had black hair and red eyes, and was wearing all black. She was really beautiful actually, but so evil. I looked directly at her and said, "I know who you are. You are NOT ME, and it's time for you to go." The person in front of me turned into this black orb looking thing, and then immediately to a string of bats that came pouring out of this house, right past me. After the last of them left, I turned to the person (Jesus) standing next to me, slightly behind, and holding his hand said, "Okay. You can come in now. Let's go.”
I have only envisioned something one other time in my life. I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about all that, but what I do know is the spirit world is real and active. I also know that what was happening was a literal facing of Satan, disguised as myself. Satan had been trying to convince me I am this person, this lie, that I am this horrible version of myself. And I am not.
To make this totally relatable to anyone reading this post, I'm sure he's done the same thing to you. Why? Because Satan, while he's cunning, crafty and sly, he's not that imaginative. The same lies have worked since the beginning of time, the same schemes. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" is pretty much his motto. I absolutely guarantee he's done the same to you. The core of the lie will be similar, though it will be tailored to fit your insecurities, fears and doubts, like a special cocktail meant just for you, made to take you down, or take you out.
He's a liar...and his pants are on fire!! (Haha)
Every time God asks us to do something, or not do something in life, we will be met with opposition. EVERY TIME! And just like I had to face the lies, cast them out, and replace them with truth, so we all do if we want to move in any kind of forward motion.
Don't try to do this alone. We are not meant to fight life's battles by ourselves. Fight with an army of how ever many people you need, take God's hand, and walk him into the spaces of your heart that were once held captive. He is truth, and the truth always set us free.
It's a pretty refreshing feeling. I'm practicing right now. ;)
Coming Up For Air
The last several months have been a combination of life-changing events, self-realizations, huge challenges, and TKO's, that could only be summed up in the word "whirlwind". In the last 15 months I have moved in with my sister, become a substitute parent, continued going to school, been a part of my single's group, walked two 5K's (that was monumental for me), stopped being a substitute parent, turned 35 (also monumental), put through the mill and abandoned by a fake friend, pushed out of a job I loved, unemployed, underemployed, bored out of my mind while underemployed, unhappily employed, still in school, experienced the deaths of a couple of people close enough to make it sting, moved again, decided to write the book I've wanted to write for 5 years, currently undergoing a round of spiritual warfare over decision to write said book, did a lot of fun things with a lot of great people, got back on stage and sang again, and came to feel better about myself than I have in...I can't even remember the last time I felt this good about myself and my life. Now that I write all this down, I'm no longer surprised that I feel so exhausted from my life. I have said before that I may have missed my calling in life, to live in my own hut on the beach, surviving off the earnings of my macrame. It could still happen. But in the meantime I have this - this chaotic series of upheaval and recovery efforts that have left my heart feeling like it just went through the spin cycle, and the clothes are still wet.
I've started a little "re-org" campaign for my life. As I am a very impatient person it is shocking that I'm actually taking my time with this one. I got to the point where I just saw my life slipping away, traveling at supersonic speeds, yet headed in no particular direction. It was unnerving. I was literally having panic attacks over my own life. What kind of life is that? I realized that panic was over stress and anxiety, and I was the one who allowed that to control me. It was also within my power to stop it.
I thought about all the things I'm spending my time on, what I really want to do with my life, and what matters most to me.
I have been spending so much time seeking others' approval, pouring my time and effort into friendships with people that didn't give anything back. I was going out with large groups of friends, but there were people I really wanted to get to know, but I didn't have any time left for them. I had a lot of friends, but a serious lack of deep, meaningful relationships. Despite the fact that I love to go out and have a good time, I actually need my quiet alone time, and one-on-one with people that mean something to me. That's where the good stuff is. That's the stuff that feeds my soul and refreshes me. Yet somehow in all the trying I had lost myself, my purpose, and God.
And it was when I finally realized all this that I decided to make a change. It was time to take a breather.
I'm currently practicing. I'll let you know how it pans out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)