To The Childless Mothers

I know this is hard to believe, but I'm actually going to be toning down the sarcasm on this post.  I know.  Shocking.  But I feel like this topic is one that rings true for me and a lot of my friends, and deserves a posting.  After all, tomorrow is Mother's Day.

I have heard the line, "You're going to be such a great mom someday" since I was about five years old.  I am the oldest of four children, and by the time my youngest brother came along when I was 6 1/2, I had already become "mommy's little helper".  I was up and out of bed, changing his diapers, feeding him bottles, carting him around like I was all that and a bag of chips.  I even knew how the cloth diaper thing happened in our family, and could do those too.  However, my parents didn't really trust me with giant pins with their newborn baby (who could blame them), and because I was happy to help, we started using disposable diapers.  By sibling #3, I pretty much had this mothering thing down.

It was no surprise that I started babysitting early.  By 12 I was staying home alone with my own siblings.  Once I had that down, and took a babysitting class at the YMCA, I was slowly let out on my own to go play house with other people's children.  It was as natural as breathing, and I loved it.  I had no question in my mind that the perfect scenario I had worked up in my mind was going to play out.  I would get married at 26 (not too young, not too old) and start having kids by 28.  That way I could live some life before I got married, but not wait too long that I couldn't have kids.  I had it all planned out.

So, um, I'm 35 now and neither of those things have happened.  No marriage.  No babies.  I could list off the reasons.  Depending on who you talk to there could be several.  My fault, his fault, bad timing, life circumstances, he's not ready, I'm not ready, I'm too picky, I don't go out often enough, I'm too busy, I'm too sarcastic, I don't look the right way, I look like a librarian most of the time, I'm too nice, not nice enough, too loud, too "Midwestern", not experienced enough, too naive, too shy, not shy enough, clueless.  Somehow all of these reasons do little for explaining my single childlessness, but do a lot for making me feel horrible about myself.  Who wants to feel like that?

Simple enough answer, and the hardest one to take, is that the life I had picked out for myself wasn't the one I was meant to have.  And the one I still want might not be either.

(pause for silence as that sinks in a little)

That's a tough truth to sit in front of.

Women my age start to think about having children in a different way.  What about having a baby with one of my friends?  What about doing in vitro with a sperm donor?  Should I freeze my eggs?  Should I adopt as a single parent?
Especially men look at this and think we're completely nuts.  Other women, frazzled moms, look at us with envy over our wonderfully free lives, and think we're nuts.  Why would you want to go from freedom, to having babies in your late 30's??  It seems a little crazy.

I know some people want to blame our society, that we have trained women to believe that unless they are married and have children they are somehow less honorable as a woman.  I don't believe that.  I feel it from the inside.  It's so much a part of who we are and what we want.  It's so deeply a part of a woman that I can't put the right words to it.

Now granted, these are generalizations.  There are women who genuinely do not wish to have children...at all.  They have absolutely no desire.  I know a few.  They do exist, but they are not the general rule.  So I'm speaking generally of women here, when I say these things.  (Just clarifying.)

I have friends who are married, family members, and many single friends who, either married or not, for one reason or another have never been able to have children.  It is a silent kind of pain.  Seriously.  No one wants to talk about it.  If you open your mouth to others about this, you will get a list of reasons why it "just wasn't meant to be", or encouragement that "it will happen someday".  My co-worker, as she was leaving this past week, turned to two other women in my office and said, "Happy Mother's Day!", then turned to me and said, "Happy...weekend."  Cuts like a knife.  Either way these words burn like a hot fire poker straight through the heart.

In the Christian world, which is the world I live in (most of the time), it is said that "God will give you the desires of your heart".  We like to hang on that piece of verse like it's the answer to all the things we want in life and haven't gotten yet.  It's not.  All of the women I know that never had children and wanted to have them - they desired to have them.  They are women who trust God with their lives, and yet God did not give them the desires of their heart.  What happened there?

You can imagine the guilt and questioning that happens trying to figure out the answer to that question.

Every Mother's Day I get this little ache in my gut, like, "It would be nice to have one of those ugly homemade bead necklaces from my own kid, and cherish it like it was solid gold."  And then I hit the reality check button and try and put things into perspective.

I have come to believe that wishing and hoping for things you don't have cheapens the life you've already got!

Don't go thinking I'm saying to stop feeling, or that our feelings aren't valid, our grief isn't warranted, etc.  But I have lived enough life, and some really painful life, to know that there are treasures to be found in the most wounded heart.  Here are some positives, some of the silver linings to hold onto.

1.  I get to enjoy my sleep.  This might seem simple and selfish, but honestly, I really love my sleep.  I get to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed (most of the time), without being woken up several times a night to feed a baby, clean up sheets from a sick child, or worrying over a teenager that hasn't returned home yet.
2.  College fund?  No, retirement fund!
3.  Vacation time is spent on vacation, not at home with a sick child.
4.  No running around like a crazy person to dance recitals, t-ball games and swim class.
5.  I get to have nice things that don't get destroyed by children.
6.  I get to take my parent-friends out for GNO or for breakfast so they can have a break.
7.  I can babysit for my friends who have children so they can go out with their spouse and maintain the most important relationship, so they can be good for each other and their children.
8.  I get to spoil the kiddos.  This is a true joy of mine as I have best friends who have allowed me to be "auntie" to their children.  I can make and buy things for them, be the "cool aunt" and do special things for them that their parents can't.
9.  My body is not destroyed by watermelon-sized human beings taking it over and stretching it out.
10.  I get to focus on ministering to others.

I would trade all these things in a heartbeat!  They are no substitute.  I get that.  Any mom would tell you that these things mean nothing in comparison to having a child.  These assurances are not going to seal up that hole.  No way.  There is a loss there, and it is valid.  But man, that does not mean you and I can not live a full and happy life!  I might shy away from Mother's Day celebrations unless they're focused on my own mom and grandmothers, and I may end up in tears sometimes about what I don't have, but I cannot wallow.  I refuse.

Does a mother that has lost a child, look at her others and disregard them because of her grief?  No!  She grieves that loss her whole life, but she still has life to give.  She still has ones who need her.  It is the same for a woman who cannot have children.  That loss is a loss, but you still have life to give.

I look around me, at mothers who are doing this parenting thing alone, who need encouragement, assistance, relief.  I see children who need "parenting", solid role models and leaders to follow.  I can be those things!!  I can do THAT!  I am needed.  We are needed!!  And while they won't be my flesh and blood, they will be my legacy.

I constantly have to remind myself of these things whenever I feel that God has not "given me the desires of my heart", whenever I end up in a puddle of tears, crying for something I never had, to lose.  Because, while the life I wanted might not be the one I got, the life I have is a damn good one, and I refuse to waste it!

I say this to myself all the time.  In fact, I have it on a little plaque that my sister gave me.  It says, "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it."  I suppose it is applicable here too.  After you've cried the tears that need to be cried, you have to find a way to live with what you've got.  Time for some big girl panties.

Be the woman (as this is directed mostly to my own sex) God designed you to be.  Live the life He has given you.  He made us with a purpose!!  Love, passion and "mothering" will find it's way into the places of our lives that we let it into.

Stay strong ladies and know you are loved and needed!!