The last several months have been a combination of life-changing events, self-realizations, huge challenges, and TKO's, that could only be summed up in the word "whirlwind". In the last 15 months I have moved in with my sister, become a substitute parent, continued going to school, been a part of my single's group, walked two 5K's (that was monumental for me), stopped being a substitute parent, turned 35 (also monumental), put through the mill and abandoned by a fake friend, pushed out of a job I loved, unemployed, underemployed, bored out of my mind while underemployed, unhappily employed, still in school, experienced the deaths of a couple of people close enough to make it sting, moved again, decided to write the book I've wanted to write for 5 years, currently undergoing a round of spiritual warfare over decision to write said book, did a lot of fun things with a lot of great people, got back on stage and sang again, and came to feel better about myself than I have in...I can't even remember the last time I felt this good about myself and my life. Now that I write all this down, I'm no longer surprised that I feel so exhausted from my life. I have said before that I may have missed my calling in life, to live in my own hut on the beach, surviving off the earnings of my macrame. It could still happen. But in the meantime I have this - this chaotic series of upheaval and recovery efforts that have left my heart feeling like it just went through the spin cycle, and the clothes are still wet.
I've started a little "re-org" campaign for my life. As I am a very impatient person it is shocking that I'm actually taking my time with this one. I got to the point where I just saw my life slipping away, traveling at supersonic speeds, yet headed in no particular direction. It was unnerving. I was literally having panic attacks over my own life. What kind of life is that? I realized that panic was over stress and anxiety, and I was the one who allowed that to control me. It was also within my power to stop it.
I thought about all the things I'm spending my time on, what I really want to do with my life, and what matters most to me.
I have been spending so much time seeking others' approval, pouring my time and effort into friendships with people that didn't give anything back. I was going out with large groups of friends, but there were people I really wanted to get to know, but I didn't have any time left for them. I had a lot of friends, but a serious lack of deep, meaningful relationships. Despite the fact that I love to go out and have a good time, I actually need my quiet alone time, and one-on-one with people that mean something to me. That's where the good stuff is. That's the stuff that feeds my soul and refreshes me. Yet somehow in all the trying I had lost myself, my purpose, and God.
And it was when I finally realized all this that I decided to make a change. It was time to take a breather.
I'm currently practicing. I'll let you know how it pans out.
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