Stop Saying It

Do you ever feel like everyone around you is sad for your singleness?  What's up with that?!

My besties, my family, and my sweet friends that always want the best for me, continually encourage me, saying things like…

“It will happen when the time is right.” (Which means it has never been the right time, by the way.)
“You just haven’t met the right one yet.” (Or maybe he just never existed in the first place.)
“God will give you the desires of your heart.” (Really?  Then how come not everyone gets what they desire in this life?)
“It always happens when you stop trying.” (So he’s going to come and find me knitting on my couch like freakin’ Sleeping Beauty in her tower??)
“Good things come to those who wait.” (Well, in that case, I should be winning the lottery, right about…now.)
“He’s out there” (How far out there?  I mean, are we talking other universes here?)
“Better to never marry than to marry the wrong guy.”  (Okay, this one is true.)
“Just be patient.” (Do you know me? Haha.)
“The best relationships grow from friendship.” (Or they just stay friends)
“Have you tried online dating?”  (I don’t translate well online)
“You’re going to make someone so happy someday.” (Why can't I make someone happy right now??)

We need to Just. Stop. Saying. It.

I don’t mean to sound depressing, angry, or less than grateful for their encouraging optimism about ending my singleness, but really…

I had been waiting my whole life for God to send down some note from Heaven, spelling this one out for me, and it has never come.  But they must have more knowledge than I, because they “know” that it’s going to happen…that someday my singleness will end.

I hate to break it to you world, fellow singles, married friends, parents and loved ones still betting on me, but you have no more clarity on this one than I do.  So, we need to stop saying these things to the single people.

Here is the ugly truth about these words:  They sting.  They build up hope and fantasy about something that may never happen, that maybe was never meant to be.  There are people in this world that will never get married, never have children.  That’s just the way it is.  And these words make it sound like there’s a reason it hasn’t happened before now, and that’s not true either.

I used to get on board with this stuff.  I was completely into it, making sure I put myself out there, not hiding behind my sewing machine, or a good book, or whatever else I actually wanted to do with my time.  “No one will find you if you can’t be found”, someone said to me once.  So I made myself available.  Really, all this did was make me bitter, because I wasn’t really doing the things I wanted to do with my time.  Ironic.

I had a relative married into the family that once asked me if I was gay, after asking me if I was seeing anyone.  Since my answer was no, clearly I was a homosexual, because no straight girl in her 20’s should be without a boyfriend.  God forbid.  Holidays, trips home, phone calls - always the question, “So, are you seeing anyone?”  “Is there anyone special in your life?”  And of course the answer would always be no, and the response would always be…well, pick one from the list at the top of this blog.

They’ve almost stopped asking altogether…which might be worse, because they’ve given up on me, and in their minds I’ve given up on myself.  This couldn’t be further from the truth, but because I’m not married, my life either has not not begun, or something.

I’m taking a commercial break here because I realize I’m starting to sound like the angry, bitter, single chick.  I am none of these things.  I used to be.  I might still have my moments, but I’m honestly well down the path of being okay with the whole single thing.  I just told my sister this post is starting to sound cynical.  She said, "You ALWAYS sound cynical." Well, I don't know what to say there.  Maybe I am.  Or maybe I'm just honest.

I have given up on trying to be everyone else’s version of “okay with myself”, and feel like if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen on it’s own, and if not, my life is pretty freaking awesome, so I’m good!  Those that know me know that I’m honest…and blunt.  So, I’m sorry about that.  I’m not really sorry about being honest or blunt, but I am sorry if it offends someone.

Do I still desire marriage and kids?  Yes.  Have I given up on myself, stopped caring about how I look, or caved myself into my house?  No (laughing).  I live a full life, and I am (generally) happy about everything I have and am doing with it.  There is nothing wrong with me (or us), because we are single, or single again.  It is not a sentence to be lived out until one day you are freed from it.  It’s not a punishment.  It’s not even a burden.  It just is.

I would challenge you, if you are a single person or know a single person, and find yourself using these phrases to encourage them, that you kindly think about what you’re saying.  This person in front of you is whole.  They (we) are not half a person waiting around for our other half to "complete us" like some sad Jerry Maguire climactic life moment.  No, we are capable, complete people.  Of course we still crave meaningful relationships, because we are all meant for that.  But if marriage isn’t in the picture, then there are other relationships to be had, maybe even more fulfilling ones.

Don’t feed a lie, just to give us false hope.  We deserve better than that.  Unless we call you balling, “I’m so tired of being single!”  (I neither claim or deny that I have done this personally)  Then, by all means, lie to us.  Just kidding.  Haha.  Maybe just tell us the truth…that everything will be okay.  Because it IS and it will be!

Here I am...still practicing! :)

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!!

"Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  1 Peter 5:8-9 NIV

If you're a friend, then you probably know about the book I want to write.  If you're a close friend, you know what it's about.  If you are just reading this you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.  I'll do a one paragraph recap to get everyone up to speed.

About five years ago I felt God calling me to put in writing the last 10 years of my life.  What happened 10 years ago?  Well, a very bad thing. Drunk driver, high-speed police chase down the highway, head-on collision, shattered pelvis and hip, 3 months in the hospital, 3 surgeries, almost 8 years of recovery, severe depression, wanted to die, had to learn to live again, lost hope, and then somewhere down the road I found it again. That's the basic gist.  I wouldn't recommend going through that if I were you.  Hah.  (That was my dry sarcasm happening right there.  Did you catch it?)

I put God off for five years.  I let every excuse and circumstance in the book move his calling on my life to the back burner.  For the past year this desire has just been pounding at my heart.  I couldn't deny it any longer.  I knew I had to start writing.

I think part of it had to do with turning 35.  This was a hard birthday for me.  I have absolutely no idea why. People just hit phases in life that makes them go buzzurko.  They buy sports cars, get weird piercings, tattoos, dye their hair, and start dressing 20 years younger than they are.  I used to scratch my head at those people, then I suddenly found myself dreading my birthday and I realized I was one of them!!

It really was ALL in my head.  The expectations I had on myself, and those adopted from others, well, I hadn't met a single one of them.  What the crap?!  I felt like my life was flashing past me while I sat on the sidelines.  I was getting older and I hadn't done what I wanted to do. Again, what the crap?!

This feeling was only compounded by the unexpected deaths of two friends late last year, which was the second thing that spurred on the writing.  They were not old by anyone's standards, and slipped away from the earth so quickly.  I'm sure they felt they had at least a little more time here, but no one gets a guarantee on life.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."  James 4:14 NIV

I started feeling this, and that is why I finally gave in to God, and decided to start writing.

I knew that in writing this book I was going to be bringing up so many deep, dark memories from the past - things I would prefer to leave there.  I expected it.  I even told a trusted person in my life that I was going to need some assistance in dealing with everything.  Okay cool. I had my bases covered. Right.

I might as well have opened Pandora's box, because it was pretty much the same thing.

Remember above, the drama of turning 35, the unmet expectations?  Multiply these feelings by 20, then add in daydreams of people I love dying, me dying, nightmares, a constant barrage of negative feelings, words, LIES, attacks on every single one of my insecurities, fears, etc.  It was all out war.  He is a cunning and sly little snake, isn't he?  He knows right where to get you every time.

He saw an opening, a weak spot in my armor.  I was already exhausted physically, and an top of it was really starting to feel...alone.  Even though I have a ton of friends.  Crazy, huh?  Not so crazy when you're Satan.  He's really great at this stuff, and is the master of disguises and trickery of the mind.  Since the mind controls the rest of your body, he'll head there quickly.

I'll list out just some of the lies that were literally flooding my mind 24/7.  Perhaps you have felt some of these at some point in time.

"You're such a failure.  Look at where you're at in life and where you should be. You're never going to get where you want to be.”
"Writing this book is going to hurt too much.  It's not worth it.”
"Nobody believes in you.”
"No one cares about your story.  No one cares about your life either.  People just say they do to be nice.”
"Your friends really don't care about you.”
"If you do this, you'll never succeed.  This will only put you back further.”
"Better watch out.  You know what happened last time you were in this place in life.”
"You don't have what it takes to make it.”
"You're never going to finish your degree.”
"God's never going to give you the desires of your heart.  That only happens in fairytales.”
"You're never going to be loved for who you are.”
"You're never going to get married or have kids.  You have all these things wrong with you, that's why.”
"You're too much.”
"You're not enough.”

This is just a sampling, but probably the most used of the lies.  You see, he doesn’t hit you with lies he knows you won’t believe. He gets you with the ones he knows you’ll fall for. And whatever they are, we all have them.

Topped off with the nightmares and the daydreams of people dying, all the hurts, and flashbacks from my accident and the time in life when I wanted to kill myself, I was overcome.  I am not even joking.  It was horrible.  I would literally start crying at work...just in the middle of the day, sitting at my computer tearing up. Nothing was happening outside my body.  It was all in my mind.

Thankfully, this "ain't my first rodeo" with my Enemy.  He's tried this before, when I had absolutely no strength of my own to defend myself.  I survived that round solely on the prayers of protection from others.  And it was on those same prayers that I built my life back.  Slowly but surely I became stronger.  I knew exactly what this was and why.

There's nothing an enemy hates more than a strong, loud-mouthed leader with passion.  They are a threat. Those people get snuffed out quick.  And if they can't be taken out completely, they are killed from the inside out - beaten down so badly their will is gone. Think Hitler. Only his plan didn’t work out 100%, and neither will Satan’s.

You can see it all throughout history.  You can see it all throughout the Bible.  I could see the attempt on my own life.  So I mustered all the strength I could and told Satan he could suck it, and God had already won the battle for my life, so he needed to go.  But since we are not made to do things alone on this Earth, I called in some reinforcements.  One friend started praying after I texted her about what was going on.  Another friend of mine, very wise and perceptive, asked how I was doing, so I told her, and she came and prayed with me, helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings, and then blasted me with truth.

The truth always sets us free!  She reminded me that I am strong, I am brave, and I have a warrior heart. Satan was hitting me hard because I was strong, I had something to say, and people listen to me (a really sobering thought).  Satan has already been defeated, and my battles have already been won.

There in my living room, talking and praying, I had a vision in my mind of what was playing out in my heart.

I was walking towards a window, with a light on inside. The closer I got, I realized it was a door to the room of a house.  I opened it and saw myself starring back at me.  Only it wasn't me.  It looked like me at first glance, but she had black hair and red eyes, and was wearing all black.  She was really beautiful actually, but so evil.  I looked directly at her and said, "I know who you are.  You are NOT ME, and it's time for you to go."  The person in front of me turned into this black orb looking thing, and then immediately to a string of bats that came pouring out of this house, right past me.  After the last of them left, I turned to the person (Jesus) standing next to me, slightly behind, and holding his hand said, "Okay.  You can come in now.  Let's go.”

I have only envisioned something one other time in my life.  I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about all that, but what I do know is the spirit world is real and active.  I also know that what was happening was a literal facing of Satan, disguised as myself.  Satan had been trying to convince me I am this person, this lie, that I am this horrible version of myself.  And I am not.

To make this totally relatable to anyone reading this post, I'm sure he's done the same thing to you.  Why? Because Satan, while he's cunning, crafty and sly, he's not that imaginative.  The same lies have worked since the beginning of time, the same schemes. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" is pretty much his motto.  I absolutely guarantee he's done the same to you. The core of the lie will be similar, though it will be tailored to fit your insecurities, fears and doubts, like a special cocktail meant just for you, made to take you down, or take you out.  

He's a liar...and his pants are on fire!! (Haha)

Every time God asks us to do something, or not do something in life, we will be met with opposition. EVERY TIME!  And just like I had to face the lies, cast them out, and replace them with truth, so we all do if we want to move in any kind of forward motion.

Don't try to do this alone.  We are not meant to fight life's battles by ourselves. Fight with an army of how ever many people you need, take God's hand, and walk him into the spaces of your heart that were once held captive.  He is truth, and the truth always set us free.

It's a pretty refreshing feeling.  I'm practicing right now. ;)

Coming Up For Air

The last several months have been a combination of life-changing events, self-realizations, huge challenges, and TKO's, that could only be summed up in the word "whirlwind".  In the last 15 months I have moved in with my sister, become a substitute parent, continued going to school, been a part of my single's group, walked two 5K's (that was monumental for me), stopped being a substitute parent, turned 35 (also monumental), put through the mill and abandoned by a fake friend, pushed out of a job I loved, unemployed, underemployed, bored out of my mind while underemployed, unhappily employed, still in school, experienced the deaths of a couple of people close enough to make it sting, moved again, decided to write the book I've wanted to write for 5 years, currently undergoing a round of spiritual warfare over decision to write said book, did a lot of fun things with a lot of great people, got back on stage and sang again, and came to feel better about myself than I have in...I can't even remember the last time I felt this good about myself and my life.  Now that I write all this down, I'm no longer surprised that I feel so exhausted from my life.  I have said before that I may have missed my calling in life, to live in my own hut on the beach, surviving off the earnings of my macrame.  It could still happen.  But in the meantime I have this - this chaotic series of upheaval and recovery efforts that have left my heart feeling like it just went through the spin cycle, and the clothes are still wet.

I've started a little "re-org" campaign for my life.  As I am a very impatient person it is shocking that I'm actually taking my time with this one.  I got to the point where I just saw my life slipping away, traveling at supersonic speeds, yet headed in no particular direction.  It was unnerving.  I was literally having panic attacks over my own life.  What kind of life is that?  I realized that panic was over stress and anxiety, and I was the one who allowed that to control me.  It was also within my power to stop it.

I thought about all the things I'm spending my time on, what I really want to do with my life, and what matters most to me.

I have been spending so much time seeking others' approval, pouring my time and effort into friendships with people that didn't give anything back.  I was going out with large groups of friends, but there were people I really wanted to get to know, but I didn't have any time left for them.  I had a lot of friends, but a serious lack of deep, meaningful relationships.  Despite the fact that I love to go out and have a good time, I actually need my quiet alone time, and one-on-one with people that mean something to me.  That's where the good stuff is.  That's the stuff that feeds my soul and refreshes me.  Yet somehow in all the trying I had lost myself, my purpose, and God.

And it was when I finally realized all this that I decided to make a change.  It was time to take a breather.

I'm currently practicing.  I'll let you know how it pans out.

Why Wait? My Non-Christiany Response

I’m 35.  I’m single.  I’ve also chosen to not have sex before I’m married.  I’m pretty sure you just labeled me.  You now have me figured out.  Don’t worry.  Everyone thinks they do.   

If you’re 35, single and dating, the idea of abstinence is foreign to your peers, so foreign in fact, that if you bring this up in any type of conversation you get the looks, the mouth-dropping response, and the questions…always the questions.  Why?  And then the debate over how your views are silly, archaic, or flat-out wrong.

If you happen to be seated across from a mature person, or a person who has no fear of asking taboo questions of you, then you are going to be asked why you choose to observe this archaic form of devotion to a God who may or may not exist.

I’m not scared of answering this question.  I have enough answers for it.  My answers are usually tailored to the person I’m talking to.  Being a Christian, abstinence before marriage is more understood than when I try to explain it to my non-Christian friends, acquaintances or strangers.  If they don’t believe in God, then why in the world would they believe in abstinence before marriage, if it is because of my relationship with God??

I was getting really tired of trying to answer non-Christians with what amounted to a “because Jesus said so” mantra.  To them it all sounds the same.  So, I started thinking about how to put it in real terms.  How do I make this really applicable to anyone?  How do I relate my choice, and my relationship with God to someone who doesn’t know him?

Here is my attempt.  

Imagine yourself walking down the aisle with the love of your life.  You stand in front of your family and friends and make vows to each other, vows that in moments of incredible love, you feel you can keep for a lifetime.  You promise to love, support, and among other things be faithful to each other until death parts you, no matter how hard things get.   

Now imagine that somewhere down the road of wedded bliss, you cheat.

I would have a hard time finding one person that would say this was okay, right, or good.  Everyone knows cheating is wrong.  Everyone knows (and fears) this would destroy your relationship.  You could try and make things work, and you might actually succeed, but the odds are overwhelmingly against you.  Why?  Because you’ve broken a bond, you’ve lied, you’ve cheated and you’ve betrayed your lover’s trust.  That last one is the hardest to get back.  You’re relationship is changed forever.  The guilt you ultimately feel is crushing.  The baggage you carry around damages every other relationship you try and have.  The only thing that saves you is forgiveness…from yourself, from the person you hurt, from everyone you hurt.  And even then you’ll have consequences.  That’s just a natural part of making mistakes.

I realize that vows of any kind mean almost nothing in today’s world.  We are a jaded, untrusting culture.  But love is love, and when two mature adults enter into such a union we don’t expect to break these vows, walk out, be unfaithful, or the worst thing…break each other.  Like anything worth doing, marriage requires a lot of hard work, compromise, communication, time, sacrifice, and selflessness.  

We praise people all the time for losing weight after going to the gym every day, or for being gluten-free, getting sober, quitting drugs or smoking, running marathons, finishing degrees, getting promoted, etc.  All of these things require discipline and sometimes a very, very strict lifestyle.  One slip up can derail them, make them sick, or even kill them.  So, we praise their efforts and encourage them to keep going, making sure we don’t put them in a position where they’ll be tempted to do something they shouldn’t.  We want them to succeed and thrive at whatever is important to them!

We do not, however, feel the same way about sex.  If you’re married you’re terrible for cheating on your spouse because that’s “just wrong”, but if you’re single somehow sex is “just sex”, so feel free to do it with whomever you choose.  I mean, “it IS just sex” right?  That’s what I get told all the time.  “It’s just sex, Marci.  What’s the big deal?”

So, if it was your partner, your relationship, your heart, it wouldn’t be “just sex” if they were stepping out on you, right??  Exactly. 

Let’s compare my relationship with God to your marriage or serious relationship with anyone else.  We’ve already covered the vow part.  Well, I’ve made some vows too, just not to another human being…yet.

I’m one of those secondary/reclaimed virgin people.  Most people look at me and think I’m this goody tushu, holier than thou, porcelain object up on a pedestal, who believes in Jesus, has never had sex, refuses to even think about it, talk about it, or want it, until some magical day when I get married, and we live happily ever after.  That’s the perception of people like me…people that have chosen not to have sex before they’re married.

When it comes to sex I’ve been there, done that, enjoyed it, bought the t-shirt and the keychain.  Problem was, I was cheating on God and the vows I made to him.  Going down that road again would be like cheating on him all over again, and I just can’t do that to myself or to him, just like I couldn’t do that to another human being.  Reference one of the above paragraphs that talks about the effects of cheating.  Doing that to God does the same thing to that relationship, and in turn to any relationship you try to have with anyone else. 

Vows are meant to be serious things. Like I said before, we make them all the time for various things, even praise and encourage others for making and upholding them.

Can you do the same for me when it comes to MY vows?

It’s not like I don’t have the option to have sex.  It’s not like I don’t want to, or haven’t considered the idea of just doing it.  Stopping yourself is a lot harder than giving in.  Eating that doughnut is a lot tastier than a celery stick.  Know what I sayin’?  Commitment is never easy.

I just want to point out a couple of things to help you appreciate the stance that my fellow celibates make.  

First, if I can keep that commitment to God, then I can keep it to you.  And even if I didn’t keep it to God in the past, and have had to experience forgiveness and resurrect myself from the hurt of breaking a previous vow, I’ve lived that.  If you, with all your charm and love, and completely handsome self can’t lure me away from a vow I’ve taken, then what kind of security can you have when some younger, more handsome, or more sensitive version of you comes along trying to lure me away from you?  If I can take a vow to God and keep it, I can keep one with you (or at least the odds are way better.)

Second, you don’t want to be the “other guy”.  Just like you would hate the other guy for stealing me away from you, God is a jealous God, and isn’t willing to just hand me over to anyone.  You can try and steal what isn’t yours, or you can work to earn the blessing of the one who holds my heart.  It’s your choice really, but you’ll earn my respect if you do the latter.  The other will get us both what we want, but it will ruin the relationship I have with him, and ultimately lessen my trust in you.  If you’re willing to disrespect my vow to another, then what do you know of vows, and why would I trust the one you want to make to me?

Thirdly, our relationship means more than sex.  Be honest with yourself that ultimately you want your relationship to mean more than sex.  Sex is great, but it only keeps things together for so long.  And you want your relationship to be solid.  If you can build a relationship at the start, before sex even enters the picture…well, you’ve started building something that might have a chance of making it.

Lastly, if you can respect my decision to go to the gym every day, or eat celery instead of doughnuts, then respect my decision to honor this vow in my life, and in turn honor you.  If I can honor that vow, and you can honor that vow, then you’ve got me mind, body and soul.  And that, gentlemen, is a prize worth winning.

So next time you want to harp on the good girls and boys for taking vows to a God you may or may not believe in, be grateful and appreciate them for their commitment.  Be grateful there are still people that believe in vows, that believe in forgiveness when we mess up, and believe that people are still worth waiting for and truly knowing for the amazing people they are. 

Peace!