I’m 35. I’m single. I’ve also chosen to not have sex before I’m married. I’m pretty sure you just labeled me. You now have me figured out. Don’t worry. Everyone thinks they do.
If you’re 35, single and dating, the idea of abstinence is foreign to your peers, so foreign in fact, that if you bring this up in any type of conversation you get the looks, the mouth-dropping response, and the questions…always the questions. Why? And then the debate over how your views are silly, archaic, or flat-out wrong.
If you happen to be seated across from a mature person, or a person who has no fear of asking taboo questions of you, then you are going to be asked why you choose to observe this archaic form of devotion to a God who may or may not exist.
I’m not scared of answering this question. I have enough answers for it. My answers are usually tailored to the person I’m talking to. Being a Christian, abstinence before marriage is more understood than when I try to explain it to my non-Christian friends, acquaintances or strangers. If they don’t believe in God, then why in the world would they believe in abstinence before marriage, if it is because of my relationship with God??
I was getting really tired of trying to answer non-Christians with what amounted to a “because Jesus said so” mantra. To them it all sounds the same. So, I started thinking about how to put it in real terms. How do I make this really applicable to anyone? How do I relate my choice, and my relationship with God to someone who doesn’t know him?
Here is my attempt.
Imagine yourself walking down the aisle with the love of your life. You stand in front of your family and friends and make vows to each other, vows that in moments of incredible love, you feel you can keep for a lifetime. You promise to love, support, and among other things be faithful to each other until death parts you, no matter how hard things get.
Now imagine that somewhere down the road of wedded bliss, you cheat.
I would have a hard time finding one person that would say this was okay, right, or good. Everyone knows cheating is wrong. Everyone knows (and fears) this would destroy your relationship. You could try and make things work, and you might actually succeed, but the odds are overwhelmingly against you. Why? Because you’ve broken a bond, you’ve lied, you’ve cheated and you’ve betrayed your lover’s trust. That last one is the hardest to get back. You’re relationship is changed forever. The guilt you ultimately feel is crushing. The baggage you carry around damages every other relationship you try and have. The only thing that saves you is forgiveness…from yourself, from the person you hurt, from everyone you hurt. And even then you’ll have consequences. That’s just a natural part of making mistakes.
I realize that vows of any kind mean almost nothing in today’s world. We are a jaded, untrusting culture. But love is love, and when two mature adults enter into such a union we don’t expect to break these vows, walk out, be unfaithful, or the worst thing…break each other. Like anything worth doing, marriage requires a lot of hard work, compromise, communication, time, sacrifice, and selflessness.
We praise people all the time for losing weight after going to the gym every day, or for being gluten-free, getting sober, quitting drugs or smoking, running marathons, finishing degrees, getting promoted, etc. All of these things require discipline and sometimes a very, very strict lifestyle. One slip up can derail them, make them sick, or even kill them. So, we praise their efforts and encourage them to keep going, making sure we don’t put them in a position where they’ll be tempted to do something they shouldn’t. We want them to succeed and thrive at whatever is important to them!
We do not, however, feel the same way about sex. If you’re married you’re terrible for cheating on your spouse because that’s “just wrong”, but if you’re single somehow sex is “just sex”, so feel free to do it with whomever you choose. I mean, “it IS just sex” right? That’s what I get told all the time. “It’s just sex, Marci. What’s the big deal?”
So, if it was your partner, your relationship, your heart, it wouldn’t be “just sex” if they were stepping out on you, right?? Exactly.
Let’s compare my relationship with God to your marriage or serious relationship with anyone else. We’ve already covered the vow part. Well, I’ve made some vows too, just not to another human being…yet.
I’m one of those secondary/reclaimed virgin people. Most people look at me and think I’m this goody tushu, holier than thou, porcelain object up on a pedestal, who believes in Jesus, has never had sex, refuses to even think about it, talk about it, or want it, until some magical day when I get married, and we live happily ever after. That’s the perception of people like me…people that have chosen not to have sex before they’re married.
When it comes to sex I’ve been there, done that, enjoyed it, bought the t-shirt and the keychain. Problem was, I was cheating on God and the vows I made to him. Going down that road again would be like cheating on him all over again, and I just can’t do that to myself or to him, just like I couldn’t do that to another human being. Reference one of the above paragraphs that talks about the effects of cheating. Doing that to God does the same thing to that relationship, and in turn to any relationship you try to have with anyone else.
Vows are meant to be serious things. Like I said before, we make them all the time for various things, even praise and encourage others for making and upholding them.
Can you do the same for me when it comes to MY vows?
It’s not like I don’t have the option to have sex. It’s not like I don’t want to, or haven’t considered the idea of just doing it. Stopping yourself is a lot harder than giving in. Eating that doughnut is a lot tastier than a celery stick. Know what I sayin’? Commitment is never easy.
I just want to point out a couple of things to help you appreciate the stance that my fellow celibates make.
First, if I can keep that commitment to God, then I can keep it to you. And even if I didn’t keep it to God in the past, and have had to experience forgiveness and resurrect myself from the hurt of breaking a previous vow, I’ve lived that. If you, with all your charm and love, and completely handsome self can’t lure me away from a vow I’ve taken, then what kind of security can you have when some younger, more handsome, or more sensitive version of you comes along trying to lure me away from you? If I can take a vow to God and keep it, I can keep one with you (or at least the odds are way better.)
Second, you don’t want to be the “other guy”. Just like you would hate the other guy for stealing me away from you, God is a jealous God, and isn’t willing to just hand me over to anyone. You can try and steal what isn’t yours, or you can work to earn the blessing of the one who holds my heart. It’s your choice really, but you’ll earn my respect if you do the latter. The other will get us both what we want, but it will ruin the relationship I have with him, and ultimately lessen my trust in you. If you’re willing to disrespect my vow to another, then what do you know of vows, and why would I trust the one you want to make to me?
Thirdly, our relationship means more than sex. Be honest with yourself that ultimately you want your relationship to mean more than sex. Sex is great, but it only keeps things together for so long. And you want your relationship to be solid. If you can build a relationship at the start, before sex even enters the picture…well, you’ve started building something that might have a chance of making it.
Lastly, if you can respect my decision to go to the gym every day, or eat celery instead of doughnuts, then respect my decision to honor this vow in my life, and in turn honor you. If I can honor that vow, and you can honor that vow, then you’ve got me mind, body and soul. And that, gentlemen, is a prize worth winning.
So next time you want to harp on the good girls and boys for taking vows to a God you may or may not believe in, be grateful and appreciate them for their commitment. Be grateful there are still people that believe in vows, that believe in forgiveness when we mess up, and believe that people are still worth waiting for and truly knowing for the amazing people they are.
Peace!
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