Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!!

"Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  1 Peter 5:8-9 NIV

If you're a friend, then you probably know about the book I want to write.  If you're a close friend, you know what it's about.  If you are just reading this you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.  I'll do a one paragraph recap to get everyone up to speed.

About five years ago I felt God calling me to put in writing the last 10 years of my life.  What happened 10 years ago?  Well, a very bad thing. Drunk driver, high-speed police chase down the highway, head-on collision, shattered pelvis and hip, 3 months in the hospital, 3 surgeries, almost 8 years of recovery, severe depression, wanted to die, had to learn to live again, lost hope, and then somewhere down the road I found it again. That's the basic gist.  I wouldn't recommend going through that if I were you.  Hah.  (That was my dry sarcasm happening right there.  Did you catch it?)

I put God off for five years.  I let every excuse and circumstance in the book move his calling on my life to the back burner.  For the past year this desire has just been pounding at my heart.  I couldn't deny it any longer.  I knew I had to start writing.

I think part of it had to do with turning 35.  This was a hard birthday for me.  I have absolutely no idea why. People just hit phases in life that makes them go buzzurko.  They buy sports cars, get weird piercings, tattoos, dye their hair, and start dressing 20 years younger than they are.  I used to scratch my head at those people, then I suddenly found myself dreading my birthday and I realized I was one of them!!

It really was ALL in my head.  The expectations I had on myself, and those adopted from others, well, I hadn't met a single one of them.  What the crap?!  I felt like my life was flashing past me while I sat on the sidelines.  I was getting older and I hadn't done what I wanted to do. Again, what the crap?!

This feeling was only compounded by the unexpected deaths of two friends late last year, which was the second thing that spurred on the writing.  They were not old by anyone's standards, and slipped away from the earth so quickly.  I'm sure they felt they had at least a little more time here, but no one gets a guarantee on life.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."  James 4:14 NIV

I started feeling this, and that is why I finally gave in to God, and decided to start writing.

I knew that in writing this book I was going to be bringing up so many deep, dark memories from the past - things I would prefer to leave there.  I expected it.  I even told a trusted person in my life that I was going to need some assistance in dealing with everything.  Okay cool. I had my bases covered. Right.

I might as well have opened Pandora's box, because it was pretty much the same thing.

Remember above, the drama of turning 35, the unmet expectations?  Multiply these feelings by 20, then add in daydreams of people I love dying, me dying, nightmares, a constant barrage of negative feelings, words, LIES, attacks on every single one of my insecurities, fears, etc.  It was all out war.  He is a cunning and sly little snake, isn't he?  He knows right where to get you every time.

He saw an opening, a weak spot in my armor.  I was already exhausted physically, and an top of it was really starting to feel...alone.  Even though I have a ton of friends.  Crazy, huh?  Not so crazy when you're Satan.  He's really great at this stuff, and is the master of disguises and trickery of the mind.  Since the mind controls the rest of your body, he'll head there quickly.

I'll list out just some of the lies that were literally flooding my mind 24/7.  Perhaps you have felt some of these at some point in time.

"You're such a failure.  Look at where you're at in life and where you should be. You're never going to get where you want to be.”
"Writing this book is going to hurt too much.  It's not worth it.”
"Nobody believes in you.”
"No one cares about your story.  No one cares about your life either.  People just say they do to be nice.”
"Your friends really don't care about you.”
"If you do this, you'll never succeed.  This will only put you back further.”
"Better watch out.  You know what happened last time you were in this place in life.”
"You don't have what it takes to make it.”
"You're never going to finish your degree.”
"God's never going to give you the desires of your heart.  That only happens in fairytales.”
"You're never going to be loved for who you are.”
"You're never going to get married or have kids.  You have all these things wrong with you, that's why.”
"You're too much.”
"You're not enough.”

This is just a sampling, but probably the most used of the lies.  You see, he doesn’t hit you with lies he knows you won’t believe. He gets you with the ones he knows you’ll fall for. And whatever they are, we all have them.

Topped off with the nightmares and the daydreams of people dying, all the hurts, and flashbacks from my accident and the time in life when I wanted to kill myself, I was overcome.  I am not even joking.  It was horrible.  I would literally start crying at work...just in the middle of the day, sitting at my computer tearing up. Nothing was happening outside my body.  It was all in my mind.

Thankfully, this "ain't my first rodeo" with my Enemy.  He's tried this before, when I had absolutely no strength of my own to defend myself.  I survived that round solely on the prayers of protection from others.  And it was on those same prayers that I built my life back.  Slowly but surely I became stronger.  I knew exactly what this was and why.

There's nothing an enemy hates more than a strong, loud-mouthed leader with passion.  They are a threat. Those people get snuffed out quick.  And if they can't be taken out completely, they are killed from the inside out - beaten down so badly their will is gone. Think Hitler. Only his plan didn’t work out 100%, and neither will Satan’s.

You can see it all throughout history.  You can see it all throughout the Bible.  I could see the attempt on my own life.  So I mustered all the strength I could and told Satan he could suck it, and God had already won the battle for my life, so he needed to go.  But since we are not made to do things alone on this Earth, I called in some reinforcements.  One friend started praying after I texted her about what was going on.  Another friend of mine, very wise and perceptive, asked how I was doing, so I told her, and she came and prayed with me, helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings, and then blasted me with truth.

The truth always sets us free!  She reminded me that I am strong, I am brave, and I have a warrior heart. Satan was hitting me hard because I was strong, I had something to say, and people listen to me (a really sobering thought).  Satan has already been defeated, and my battles have already been won.

There in my living room, talking and praying, I had a vision in my mind of what was playing out in my heart.

I was walking towards a window, with a light on inside. The closer I got, I realized it was a door to the room of a house.  I opened it and saw myself starring back at me.  Only it wasn't me.  It looked like me at first glance, but she had black hair and red eyes, and was wearing all black.  She was really beautiful actually, but so evil.  I looked directly at her and said, "I know who you are.  You are NOT ME, and it's time for you to go."  The person in front of me turned into this black orb looking thing, and then immediately to a string of bats that came pouring out of this house, right past me.  After the last of them left, I turned to the person (Jesus) standing next to me, slightly behind, and holding his hand said, "Okay.  You can come in now.  Let's go.”

I have only envisioned something one other time in my life.  I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about all that, but what I do know is the spirit world is real and active.  I also know that what was happening was a literal facing of Satan, disguised as myself.  Satan had been trying to convince me I am this person, this lie, that I am this horrible version of myself.  And I am not.

To make this totally relatable to anyone reading this post, I'm sure he's done the same thing to you.  Why? Because Satan, while he's cunning, crafty and sly, he's not that imaginative.  The same lies have worked since the beginning of time, the same schemes. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" is pretty much his motto.  I absolutely guarantee he's done the same to you. The core of the lie will be similar, though it will be tailored to fit your insecurities, fears and doubts, like a special cocktail meant just for you, made to take you down, or take you out.  

He's a liar...and his pants are on fire!! (Haha)

Every time God asks us to do something, or not do something in life, we will be met with opposition. EVERY TIME!  And just like I had to face the lies, cast them out, and replace them with truth, so we all do if we want to move in any kind of forward motion.

Don't try to do this alone.  We are not meant to fight life's battles by ourselves. Fight with an army of how ever many people you need, take God's hand, and walk him into the spaces of your heart that were once held captive.  He is truth, and the truth always set us free.

It's a pretty refreshing feeling.  I'm practicing right now. ;)