Stop Saying It

Do you ever feel like everyone around you is sad for your singleness?  What's up with that?!

My besties, my family, and my sweet friends that always want the best for me, continually encourage me, saying things like…

“It will happen when the time is right.” (Which means it has never been the right time, by the way.)
“You just haven’t met the right one yet.” (Or maybe he just never existed in the first place.)
“God will give you the desires of your heart.” (Really?  Then how come not everyone gets what they desire in this life?)
“It always happens when you stop trying.” (So he’s going to come and find me knitting on my couch like freakin’ Sleeping Beauty in her tower??)
“Good things come to those who wait.” (Well, in that case, I should be winning the lottery, right about…now.)
“He’s out there” (How far out there?  I mean, are we talking other universes here?)
“Better to never marry than to marry the wrong guy.”  (Okay, this one is true.)
“Just be patient.” (Do you know me? Haha.)
“The best relationships grow from friendship.” (Or they just stay friends)
“Have you tried online dating?”  (I don’t translate well online)
“You’re going to make someone so happy someday.” (Why can't I make someone happy right now??)

We need to Just. Stop. Saying. It.

I don’t mean to sound depressing, angry, or less than grateful for their encouraging optimism about ending my singleness, but really…

I had been waiting my whole life for God to send down some note from Heaven, spelling this one out for me, and it has never come.  But they must have more knowledge than I, because they “know” that it’s going to happen…that someday my singleness will end.

I hate to break it to you world, fellow singles, married friends, parents and loved ones still betting on me, but you have no more clarity on this one than I do.  So, we need to stop saying these things to the single people.

Here is the ugly truth about these words:  They sting.  They build up hope and fantasy about something that may never happen, that maybe was never meant to be.  There are people in this world that will never get married, never have children.  That’s just the way it is.  And these words make it sound like there’s a reason it hasn’t happened before now, and that’s not true either.

I used to get on board with this stuff.  I was completely into it, making sure I put myself out there, not hiding behind my sewing machine, or a good book, or whatever else I actually wanted to do with my time.  “No one will find you if you can’t be found”, someone said to me once.  So I made myself available.  Really, all this did was make me bitter, because I wasn’t really doing the things I wanted to do with my time.  Ironic.

I had a relative married into the family that once asked me if I was gay, after asking me if I was seeing anyone.  Since my answer was no, clearly I was a homosexual, because no straight girl in her 20’s should be without a boyfriend.  God forbid.  Holidays, trips home, phone calls - always the question, “So, are you seeing anyone?”  “Is there anyone special in your life?”  And of course the answer would always be no, and the response would always be…well, pick one from the list at the top of this blog.

They’ve almost stopped asking altogether…which might be worse, because they’ve given up on me, and in their minds I’ve given up on myself.  This couldn’t be further from the truth, but because I’m not married, my life either has not not begun, or something.

I’m taking a commercial break here because I realize I’m starting to sound like the angry, bitter, single chick.  I am none of these things.  I used to be.  I might still have my moments, but I’m honestly well down the path of being okay with the whole single thing.  I just told my sister this post is starting to sound cynical.  She said, "You ALWAYS sound cynical." Well, I don't know what to say there.  Maybe I am.  Or maybe I'm just honest.

I have given up on trying to be everyone else’s version of “okay with myself”, and feel like if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen on it’s own, and if not, my life is pretty freaking awesome, so I’m good!  Those that know me know that I’m honest…and blunt.  So, I’m sorry about that.  I’m not really sorry about being honest or blunt, but I am sorry if it offends someone.

Do I still desire marriage and kids?  Yes.  Have I given up on myself, stopped caring about how I look, or caved myself into my house?  No (laughing).  I live a full life, and I am (generally) happy about everything I have and am doing with it.  There is nothing wrong with me (or us), because we are single, or single again.  It is not a sentence to be lived out until one day you are freed from it.  It’s not a punishment.  It’s not even a burden.  It just is.

I would challenge you, if you are a single person or know a single person, and find yourself using these phrases to encourage them, that you kindly think about what you’re saying.  This person in front of you is whole.  They (we) are not half a person waiting around for our other half to "complete us" like some sad Jerry Maguire climactic life moment.  No, we are capable, complete people.  Of course we still crave meaningful relationships, because we are all meant for that.  But if marriage isn’t in the picture, then there are other relationships to be had, maybe even more fulfilling ones.

Don’t feed a lie, just to give us false hope.  We deserve better than that.  Unless we call you balling, “I’m so tired of being single!”  (I neither claim or deny that I have done this personally)  Then, by all means, lie to us.  Just kidding.  Haha.  Maybe just tell us the truth…that everything will be okay.  Because it IS and it will be!

Here I am...still practicing! :)